I don’t remember the name of the guy who introduced us, but he also seemed very trustworthy. The first thing we did was go for a drive. When we met I was very tired; which might have been why I trusted her so easily. I had been working two part time jobs in a place I had just moved to. Now, let me first explain that I had no extra money when I moved, just enough to get me from point A to point B. When I got there I had no transportation, so I either walked, or scraped…and I do mean literally scrapped change from my pocket to ride the bus. So when I found these two part time jobs I took them right away. I didn’t realize the strain that would put on me physically. I woke up in the morning at 6 to be on the bus by 7:30, and then be at job #1 by 8am. I finished with job #1 by 1pm each day, and then walked the two and a half miles to job #2, and started work at 4pm. Sometimes I stopped to eat along the way, but that was pretty rare. Job # ended at 10pm, and then I walked 5.34 miles home, and usually got there around midnight. I enjoyed the walk, but after the two jobs, and little to eat, I was literally exhausted.
So you can see why I trusted her so easily at the time. And that was it. Our friendship was sealed, and binding. A commitment that would last.
Shortly after I met her. I knew that our friendship was a mistake. She made me feel more powerless than I have ever felt before, and since that time. She gave me several panic attacks right in a row. She was a responsibility I was not prepared for, and a commitment I never wanted.
I don’t know if you have ever had the pleasure of a panic attack, but they are a nightmare. You feel like you are literally having a heart attack. You can’t breath, and when you try to expand your lungs they feel like you are lying on the floor with several tons of weight constricting your intake. The shortness of breath is not only caused by panic, it induces more panic. Then fear and panic combined reach your tear ducts, and there is a sudden downpour. Your limbs feel numb, and you can see them vibrating uncontrollably. Because that’s what happens fear takes over and you have literally no control over your body. Even after several hours you feel the repercussions of a panic attack. It’s like if you go to sleep crying, in the morning your tear ducts burn, and your cheeks are still puffy, even after you’ve been asleep for hours.
I knew our friendship had to end. I made several attempts to get rid of her, all of which were unsuccessful. I couldn’t get rid of her. And every day when I got up…there she was. A reminder of how naive I was, and how trusting I had been. And then a reminder of all the pain she had put me through. Discouragement one right after another.
Then something in happened. Some evolution of friendship. I am not sure what changed, maybe it was me. I realized that I could handle her. That I could take on this commitment. I began to feel more responsible…more like…an adult. I think I was ultimately scared of crossing over the point in which I knew there was no return.
Recently she was in an accident. And while my car has been in the shop, I have finally come to realize how much I have really come to appreciate her, and care for her. For the symbol that she has become of breaching that barrier in commitment, and becoming an adult. She has become a symbol of power in my life. The power I have to make choices, and with those responsibly accept the consequences. She helped me to understand in small a little of what it means to be committed to something, and most of all she helped me to discover that my life is what I choose it to be. I am truly grateful that she chose me.
I have been calling her the Devil since I got her, and I finally decided that she has earned a real name, so I started calling her Rosie.
