Juries = The music major nightmare...Well yeah I had that dream, and it didn't turn out the way I wanted it to.
I basically failed.
I don't know of many other times where I have been more disappointed in myself than that day.
The thing about it is...
I know I can do better than what I did.
So for those of you who don't know...
Juries are like American Idol...but in College...every semester
You prepare all semester for whichever level you are in, and then at the end of your semester your entire grade is dependant on this one performance for 3 of the college professors.
When I went to sign up for juries the only spots left were with what I knew was the hardest judging panel available.
1 week later...boom!...juries!
I woke up SUPER early to start warming up.
I went to the stage and performed in the dark.
I felt ready.
I then had to go to a final - Ear Training,
and then I had 1 hour to pull myself together and sing for the juries...
My accompanist and I met 1/2 hour before the semester began and went through all of my music. I asked her for her advice on which piece to sing for my presentation piece(because at my level you sing two pieces, one you present and one chosen randomly by the judges). She said I sounded the best on a song that I didn't expect. I decided that I would go with that one for my presentation piece...not a good idea...I was not as confident in that piece as I was with others, and I really think that in music confidence is everything...(ha. that is why sometimes I feel like I am not cut out for it)..anyway...
The Judges were ahead of schedule, so they told me I could go in at any time. I hesitated...bad idea ha. Cause I psyched myself out...
And when I was thoroughly nervous. I walked in. (also a bad idea)
I presented my song, and began.
I was having trouble breathing, and i couldn't seem to get a deep enough breath throughout the whole piece.
Also, I held back.
My tone was a little flat, and I could tell, so the nerves kicked into a higher gear.
Then I waited as the judges looked over the rest of my repitoir and then finally chose the second piece.
I felt lucky because they chose the piece I had intended for my presentation piece. That was some relief, but I still didn't get as much air as I needed to get through the melismas.
The accompanist began, and she set the pace slower than I had practiced.
The judges were even making obvious gestures that let me know that it was too slow.
As I was trying to pick up the pace without a noticable difference, I left out the 2nd stanza of the 1st verse. My vocal coach happened to be on my pannel, and also happened to be the person who arranged the piece, and she was mouthing the words...
I realized that I had forgotten the verse's ending, and tried to insert it, but the music had already passed. I stopped my accomanist, and began at the begining of that stanza.
Before I had walked into juries, I had prayed that they would be able to see in me the talent that I hoped I had...I prayed that I would be able to express in the music all the time I had spent working on it, and I prayed that they would see a true singer in me.
Because of the mishap in the first verse, the second verse was a bit rocky as well, and I felt like the accompanist didn't follow me at all, which made me look more off...ha. But I decided during that verse that I would need to do amazing on the ending to be able to have even a hope of passing. In the third verse I stepped it up, and from then to the end of the piece I let go of all fears and simply focused on making the ending sound as it had in practice.
When it was all over the judges said thank you. And I retreated from the hall. My accompanist gave encouraging words, which I barely heard through my regret. I went straight to a practice room and had a miniature breakdown. The dissapointment was overwhelming. I did not have long to fret though because I still had two more finals to take care of.
After I had taken the last of those finals, I went to my vocal coach's office to give her my vocal journal. I had planned to just drop it off in front of her door, but I ended up knocking, and she was there.
We sat down, and I told her how dissappointed I was, and she told me that she knew I could do better too, and that I held back too much. She told me that the judges had, after I left talked for over an hour about my performance, and how they could see that I did truly have a great voice, and how they just wanted me to let it out...
Another music advisor I spoke with said that there is nothing harder to tune than a big voice held back.
I was shocked to hear that they all had agreed that I had a good voice, and they wanted to hear more of it! They believed in me when I didn't believe in myself.
The semester was so stressful...I was trying to do so much...and I had beat myself up the whole time. I compared myself with other singers, and kept saying to myself that I was not good enough, and that I never could be.
When you play an instrument, it's a little different. You practice, and practice, and you develop motor skills by pushing levers or valves, by moving your fingers accross the keys.
Singing is you. It's all you. You cannot upgrade your instrument by paying more money. At the end of the day you do not put you in a case until the next time you practice. It is deeply personal. And when someone says your instrument - for all the hundreds of hours put into practice - is not good enough... they are talking about you.
It can be a tad overwhelming. And I know that I let my fear overtake me sometimes. And I do hold back. If I hold back, you don't get to see the real me, and I can protect that part of me that I love more than anything else. Sometimes the only thing I really even like about myself. It is selfish of me. And I try to let go of that.
But satan has a very real influence in my life. That fear. The fear that people might see me. The fear that they may not like it. The fear that people may never see me. That fear is in large part his influence.
The fact that they, my jury of professionals...they saw me through my fear was really a great experience and reward. They saw in me what my family has seen for years, and what I am just begining to discover.
Singing is what I do. It's not who I am. I failed my jury. But I am not a failure.
