I have spent so much of my life...wishing...
...I wished to be popular,
I wished to be pretty,
I wished I could sing,
I wished I could be skinny,
I wished I could have my pick of the boys,
I wished I could be confident,
I wished he'd like me,
I wished anyone liked me,
I wished I didn't do that,
I wish I didn't care so much,
I wish I studied harder,
I wish I had understood better,
I wish I had listened,
I wish I had already graduated,
I wish I hadn't listened,
I wish I was faster,
I wish I could have more money,
I wish I had known.
I have spent so much time wishing that I could find future happiness instead of being happy right now. I have spent a lot of time hating myself for things I didn't have that I wish I did...I can't believe I have spent so much time worrying and wishing.
Now here I am. Single. 26. Still in school.
I am looking back at all the dreams I had when I was younger, and how much time I have spent worrying and wishing, and now I am left with nothing. I feel like I am too old to fight for what I want. That I just need to slip quietly into the hum drum of life, and keep wishing that things turn out happy.
How much time do I have to waste to realize that my life is my own?
While I do not always choose the path, I do choose the means of traveling.
I am facing another jury next week. This time is a little different - because of my injury I was not able to jury last semester, so this is a make up jury. As I think about it my lungs constrict and my heart beats faster...if I didn't care so much I might actually be confident enough to get a good score...isn't it funny how that works.
I feel like I put all of this imaginary pressure on myself.
I feel old, and "behind," not confident, not skilled. I worry that they will judge me based on what they know of me. You know what's funny...a lot of teachers think I don't have the skills I do because I hide them behind a curtain of doubt. (yeah. not that funny.) I don't want to hide anymore.
I am not going to look back and wish I did better. I am going to do better. I am going to be confident. I can't keep hiding behind wishes.
If I keep doing this I am never actually going to live my life.
(while I say this...I have not a clue in the world as to how to change my mindset, but life is about learning, and I will do it.)
