chiristmas spirit.

I am not in the
mood for Christmas.
Is that terrible? I know!
I am trying, but the schedule for the new year
is getting more and more daunting.
Christmas is simply, most definitely coming TOO fast!
Christmas means I will be returning to school.
It means I possibly spent too much money on gifts I may never give.
I don't want to ask for gifts because I need other things so much more...like braces.
I want to do so much, but there simply hasn't been time.
I wanted to finish a quilt for my secret Santa project, and well...truth be told I am not very good at quilting.
I wanted to make homemade candy for his stocking, but it has simply come down to the fact that I will have no time to do so.
I wanted to finish the dress that I was making for myself for school.
I wanted to practice my ear training, and play the piano more.
I wanted to study music theory.
I'll be lucky to get even one of if any of those done.
I want to have Christmas spirit...and I do...sort of....maybe
Why does the
New Year
have to be so
close to Christmas?
Whoever worked out this schedule seemed lack the
concept of time management...or maybe I lack the concept
of time management. Or maybe I just think of myself too much.
Whatever the case. Christmas is coming fast and this mood must change! bah humbug!

In any case! I hope that you are already having a
merry christmas!!!
And a HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!

Soda.

I have made reoccurring attempts to manage my weight. Especially during the holidays where the temptations are all encompassing. The most recent excursion is a "No Soda" pact...or agreement/challenge with my little sister. We have gone almost 2.5 months without soda (breaking only once for Thanksgiving Sparkling Cider).

Every time I am tempted to drink some I think of how my little sister is doing this silly challenge with me, and how I don't want to be the first to break. My competitive side refused to back down, and my compassionate side loved that we were doing this together.

It's not a big thing, you know...it's soda...

When I am on my own...I don't drink it, because I don't buy it. I don't buy it because I don't want temptations in my house...

Well...at home we have soda in the house on a very regular basis. When I came home the first thing I did was gain 5lbs...those 5 which I spent literally a hundred hours in the gym trying to work off...so this no soda gig was simply an attempt to manage the intake of temptation.

Well...tonight was pizza night... everyone crowded in the kitchen for pizza & soda... and she broke...my little sister decided she'd had enough of the no soda life and threw in the proverbial towel.

I agreed not to drink soda till May. Well...today I broke my promise too.

There it was... sitting on the counter saying, "I am yummy, drink up!"
...and I drank a sip.
One sip.

The taste was not good. It tasted like failure mixed with a hint of frustration, and a cup of sugar.

After that sip. I was quite discouraged that I would so easily falter at this challenge simply because I did not have a companion as back up. I can walk my own road. I can stand on my own two feet.

Well, after all the guilt subsided, I decided that I don't need to drink failure.

I simply don't need that in my life. Juice is fine. Water is Great!
So...until further notice...I am simply removing soda from my life.

I also found some interesting facts on soda to help inspire my decision:

"Drinking soda has been shown to contribute to tooth decay...the sugar consumption involved in drinking is cited for causing tooth decay. However, the acid in has been shown to erode tooth enamel, leading to dental cavities as well. In fact, the acid in soda can begin damaging enamel just 20 minutes after drinking soda... Another unfortunate health effect of drinking soda is the weakening of bones...Diet soda drinkers are still vulnerable to the acidic effects of soda. Furthermore, some artificial sweeteners, commonly used in diet soda, may contribute to serious health issues as well."
http://www.wisegeek.com/what-are-the-health-effects-of-drinking-soda.htm

"Soda is a mixture of high sugar & fructose corn syrup, which can be a reason for excessive weight gain and heart rate.
You can become a soda addicted because it contains caffeine content.
Excessive soda intakes can make you feel insomnia, stress, restlessness etc."
http://www.articlesbase.com/drinks-articles/harmful-effects-of-drinking-soda-850381.html


"Side Effects of Drinking Soda
Soda has been known to comprise certain chemicals that make you feel dehydrated. This is the reason why, even after drinking lots of soda, you continue to feel thirsty.
There is high sugar content and too much fructose corn syrup in soda. Too much consumption of it can easily make you put on excessive weight.
Soda does not have any nutritional value. Drinking it regularly means that you are just adding on empty calories.
Excessive consumption of soda can result in high blood sugar, which can lead to faintness, rapid heart rate, and dehydration.Since soda contains too much sugar and acid, it can play havoc with your oral health. Not only does it dissolve the calcium out of tooth enamel, but can also cause lots of cavities. Soda is also loaded with caffeine, which is a stimulant, the reason why it develops into an addiction soon. Caffeine removes calcium from our bodies. If you are drinking too much soda, you are also ingesting too much calcium, which ultimately will affect the strength of your bones.
Irritability, restlessness, tension, insomnia, excitement and gastrointestinal disturbance are some other side effects of caffeine, which often result from high consumption of soda."
http://lifestyle.iloveindia.com/lounge/side-effects-of-drinking-soda-2866.html


Caffeine content in beverages.
FROM THE : National Soft Drink Association, US Food and Drug Administration, Bunker and McWilliams, Pepsi.

12-ounce beverage AND milligrams of caffeine
Red Bull (8.2 oz) 80.0
Jolt 71.2
Pepsi One 55.5
Mountain Dew 55.0
Mountain Dew Code Red 55.0
Diet Mountain Dew 55.0

8-ounce Beverage milligrams
Hot cocoa 14
Diet Coke 45.6
Shasta Cola 44.4
Shasta Cherry Cola 44.4
Shasta Diet Cola 44.4
RC Cola 43.0
Diet RC 43.0
Dr. Pepper 41.0
Diet Dr. Pepper 41.0
Diet Sunkist Orange 41.0
Mr. Pibb 40.0
Sugar-Free Mr. Pibb 40.0
Red Flash 40.0
Sunkist Orange 40.0
Ruby Red 39.0
Storm 38.0
Big Red 38.0
Pepsi-Cola 37.5
Pepsi Twist 37.5
Diet Pepsi Jazz 37.5
Diet Pepsi 36.0
Wild Cherry Pepsi 38.0
Diet Wild Cherry Pepsi 36.0
Coca-Cola Classic 34.0
Cherry Coke 34.0
Lemon Coke 34.0
Vanilla Coke 34.0
Diet Cherry Coke 34.0
Canada Dry Cola 30.0
A&W Creme Soda 29.0
Barq's Root Beer 23.0
A&W Diet Creme Soda 22.0

While these sources are not completely credible sources, they are enough for me.
Kinda makes you want to brush your teeth huh?

Dear Santa.

After reading Natalie's 'Dear Santa' I pondered on the things that might be on my christmas list this year. Here is the result:

Dear Santa,

I have not been the best this year. I tried. I studied hard, and around every corner tried to combat stress. I hope you will overlook my flaws as you read this letter.

Please santa...if it has to be winter...I can take the snow...but this cold is unbarable...is there anything you can do about that?

Also...I seem to have lost my "secure" job for january, and need a replacement. I am pretty sure that student grants are in the same isle as jobs, so while you are there can you pick up some of that too?

It might be more beneficial for me to ask for a husband while I am feeling so needy. Nothing too fancy, but choose with care.

I wouldn't mind if you slipped some confidence into my stocking beside my orange and apple. Please no candy...I can't handle the temptation.

That is all...wait...one more thing...could you bring my family happiness...It seems we have been blessed with abundant stress, and we need some happiness to counteract it.

Also...as a small side note...I know that money does not buy happiness, but I'd be willing to test that theory!

Thank you, and have a Merry Christmas.
AmyJo

Painted Pumpkins!

I love painting/carving pumpkins.
We decided we didn't want the mess of carving...but that we could handle the mess of painting. We have most of them done...there are two more in the works done by Matthew & Michael...but here are the finished products for the others.

This one is Elena's. She wanted something scary...
So she painted the Joker from Batman

This one is Mindy's. It's the clock tower from Cinderella...and the picture does not do it justice. the texturing she did...is nothing less than amazing.
and. last but not least...this one is mine. This is my sorry attempt at creativity...it was actually supposed to be a night sky scape with the spider web on the bottom...but when I did one of the moons I thought that it'd be funny to have the spider coming out of the pumpkin's mouth...and the pumpkin was going to turn into a bat...thus the fangs...but I got lazy & didn't want to paint anymore. ha ha...

More pumpkins to follow...they will be posted as soon as they are finished!

Teeth Trauma!

http://www.theonion.com/content/node/36372

So. I just want to put this out there...
maybe there is a reason I am not a mother yet.
and that is...

I just can't handle it...yet!

Well...Here's the story

I was called Sunday afternoon to cover at an in home daycare for a very good friend of mine. I need the funds, so I immediately accepted. Babysitting = easy.

We made these little birthday hats. Awesome, awkward, cute, and random hats with ribbion woven in, and glitter glue swirls. We had made them early in the morning, which by the way went extremely smooth...I even had a chance to sit the kids down and play the piano for them while they sang row your boat, and Mary had a little lamb. The Kids waited all day for the hats to dry so they could wear them. Finally after lunch, and after movie time...during nap time for some they were ready. While the kids had been in napping & having their afternoon movie I had made sure the kitchen was clean, and all the toys were neatly put away and ready for attack after afternoon snack. I carefully prepared the hats to be sized and glued together, so that the organized chaos of the 6 (very)youngsters would not take up too much play time. My plan was to get them on, and occupied with a small parade of musical instruments. While sizing up the hats one of the youngsters swung on the cupboard in such a way that he lost his balance, and regrettably face-planted into the linoleum floor. There was blood coming from his nose and mouth. My heart definitely skipped a beat. I rushed to his side to see if we needed to rush him to the hospital. His immediate reaction was to cling to me. When I was able to pull him away to look at his mouth I could see that much of the blood was coming from a fresh vacancy next to his brand new permanent teeth. My heart skipped another beat, and I picked his tooth off of my shoulder where he had been clinging. Luckily, it was not one of his new permanent teeth. After a few phone calls and some tylenol, and several otter pops I discovered that this tooth was indeed as I prayed a baby tooth that was already working on coming out.

I have never had anything like this happen while I was watching someone else's kids. EVER.

Panic. Worry. Stress. Slightly Panicked. Almost in tears. Empathy for the pain. Focus.

I am actually surprised I was able to keep it together as well as I did...The great thing about stress and other such reactions, is that you stop focusing on your own feelings, do not pass go, do not collect $200, Go Directly to needs.

And at that moment I needed nothing more than to help that child, but I wasn't even sure how. Other than to apply paper towels to the damaged areas, console the child, and call someone.

I am led to believe that this experience will most definitely come in handy when I someday approach the adventure of motherhood. I will know that otter pops are a sore lip's best friend. I will know to grab the paper towel as I am leaning down to the child, so that spurting blood does not leave teeth on my shoulder. I will know to expect the unexpected.

I may not be at the stage in my life where I can have children, but I definitely feel that I am wantingly or not being prepared. - "if ye are prepared, ye shall not fear"

Home... & general update.

Hey ya'll! I am officially at home!

I am pretty excited about that fact.
although I have no where to place my things or lay my head.
you see... I have yet to get a bed.

But Mindy is moving out October 1st, so I will inherit her diggs...
Until january.

Then I am back to school for my final hurrah!

My family is trekking up to Seattle on the 3rd to celebrate Daniel's birthday by going as a family...to see WICKED!
I am thrilled to be going to see it!

Speaking of seeing!
I have been without sight for over a month now. I was waiting to gather enough reserves for fall financial stability, and I was finally able to order my eyes. This should give all drivers out there much more comfort, as I am near sided, and cannot read the road signs when I drive without my alternate eyes.

I have to say that I dearly miss living with my grandparents. It was so enlightening, and I felt spoiled every day! Now that I am back at home I am thrown in again with the crowd, and I feel that I have lost a little of myself. But, I am slowly regaining ground.

Monday starts the official job hunt, although I have been hired to teach voice lessons! If I had a place to teach I think I'd try to do that for fall, but unfortunately...this is not the case. But I am excited to have one student!

Well. That is all for now! Hope you all are enjoying the last moments of summer, as fall is right around the corner!

Julie & Julia

Review: Pleasantly surprised.

Grandma & I were sitting in the living room watching Paula Deen on the food network talking about the wonderful delights of cooking when she asked me about the movie Julie & Julia. We looked up the time, and there was a show starting in 5 minutes, so we hopped in the car and were off to the movies!

It was so much fun to go to the movies with grandma! Especially a movie like this where it spans over generations and connects them. We laughed the whole time ate popcorn, and enjoyed the wonderful delightful acting of Amy Adams, and Meryl Streep. They are two of my favorites, and Grandma's too!

It has been so much fun to hang with my grandparents! They make me feel special in a way that I have not felt in a long long time! I really think that I needed this time with them, and I only hope that I can show them how grateful I am for them, and for the influence they have had upon my life.

I'm back! and I Passed!!!

Well finals are officially over!!!
Update:
I PASSED MY JURY!!!

You might remember that I failed it last semester, so I had to re-take the level...which was quite a hit to my confidence level. I was, during jury, able to perform better than I have ever performed classical music! Although still not to my full capability, it is getting closer. I decided that because only a fraction of what I can do in the practice rooms comes through in my performances, I simply need to increase my level of ability, and then more will be able to show through! (sounds easy...but it's not...I just wish I wasn't so terrified of performing classically. Someday I will get over it. I just refuse to let this stupid fear rule my life.)

My vocal coach let me know that I passed yesterday when we were praparing to sing for Graduation!!!
She has been such an inspiration to me! I cannot say how much I have learned from this incredibly inspiring woman! My gratitude overflows when I think of all that she has done for me!

Also, I know that the graduation speech is usually for graduates, but I am pretty sure that they made a mistake, because this time there was a section just for me. I will graduate! If it takes me forever I don't care, because in the long run it will be worth it!

In other news...
This whole week has been school school school...I worked on finals pretty much straight from 7am every morning to 11:30 pm every night.
My last final was finished at 5:45 yesterday!!! woot!

Which gave me less than plenty of time to move out by noon today.
I stayed up till 3 a.m. packing and working on clean checks.
And I arrived at Grandma & Grandpa's house at about 2pm today. The plan is to stay with them for most of August.

Then after I have built up a financial storage for fall, I will be able to retreat into a wonderful hibernation at the home front.

This will by no means mean that I get to actually sleep through the rest of fall...

I plan to work, and spend most of my free time preparing to come back...I have lots of ear training work to do...and I am supposed to be working on my vocals every day. Also the basement needs walls...so I plan to be quite occupied!

But now that school is over until January, I will definitely have more time for blogging! Not that there will be much to report, because outside of school...my life is pretty boring.

small and simple things

I have to say that I did not want last week to end. It was hard to wake up, and return to real life

It was so wonderful to be around everyone, and get to see everyone's families! I remember family reunions when I was little, Oh how we have all grown! I told my Dad yesterday when we were out at Aunt Sandra's house that I am so excited for the day when my siblings can all meet together and add our children and families.

I am so grateful for the opportunity to visit with everyone. I am so blessed to have the family I do. I feel so very blessed that the Lord is so very aware of each member of my family. Every time we get together I can see His hand in our lives. There were so many tender mercies this last week that I could never have imagined, but were each a testimony of how much the Lord Loves us, and how much he wants us to succeed here in this life, and to return to Him together.

I was able to take my parents to the Rexburg temple, and then they took me to dinner. I received a fortune cookie that said,"this day will be lucky for you, and memorable." It was not only a memorable day, but a memorable week. Witnessing grandpa's blessing was truly an awesome experience. Every time I hear Uncle Scott give a blessing, I know that his gift for blessings in this family was no accident. I feel the spirit confirming his words, and I in small measure experience and understand more of the Lord's love for us.

I was able to spend time with family members, that I cherish. I cherish the moments, and I cherish the stories, but most of all I cherish the Love that we share. I cherish the 100 some pictures I got!

Each of us... are so tried in this life. And lets face it...life...wears you out. There are times I know we each feel it is all we can do just to hang on. We are put to the test, sent through the refiner's fire, But we are given families to strengthen us, and to help us to endure. We hang on to each other.

It is evident to me that we are each given gifts and talents not for ourselves, but for each other. Each had a divinely inspired purpose.

It was no accident that we were all gathered at this time. It is not an accident that we are all in this family. We were sent to strengthen and lift each other through each of the trials that we face. Each of us is blessed to bring to the table something unique, and divine. I know I needed this! I am grateful for it!I think that the best part was getting so many hugs! I don't think I have had so many hugs! It makes me so happy!

I didn't get much more than my family on my camera...next time I will bring it out more & take more pictures. ha. But I am looking forward to seeing what everyone else got for pictures!!!

Performance Monday!!!

Ok. I just wanted to invite all who can come to the recital on Monday!!!

5:45 - Snow Recital Hall

It's free!

I think I am going 1st...

I am excited!

I hope it won't be a train wreck! ha ha.

If it is...

I'll just get on a different train!

Voice lessons today were a tad rocky, but

I have high hopes!

And many hours of Practice ahead of me...

And I just heard that we are having a family Talent Show!!!

Woot Woot!

so. I am puttin' something together for that...

But really...

all I'm sayin' is I hope there's a piano there, cause I want Matthew & Michael to play for everyone cause...they are A-MA-ZING!

Basically they inspire me to practice more...

Barrus. ha ha!

I think that everyone is just getting to the point where their stress meter is on full, and their gas meter is on empty...

Well I reached that point yesterday.

I feel a lot of pressure from school, and finances, and worry about other things.

(My best friend's little brother got diagnosed with leukemia.

I have serious stage fright issues that I am trying to work through...it is really interfering with school.

And I don't know what to do for fall semester

I don't want to be in school forever, but a plain music degree isn't marketable.

I don't want to spend the extra money to be here for more semesters.

Plus when I am student teaching I learned that there is no way for me to have a job, so that semester will be entirely on loans...which I don't want more of.

I applied for the fast grad program, but I am so stressed out, I don't know if I want to go to school over the fall. Plus if I am in the fast grad program, I have to take 15 credits minimum and working and taking 15 credits is a sure ticket for failure for me...so I don't know what to do. I think I should sell my car, but I need a car that is reliable, and getting a car loan right now is not as easy as it used to be. Plus I can't sell my car for as much as I am paying on it because one of my friends ran it into a fence and scratched the tail when I was in Utah, and another painted my windows which stained the car in some areas (not bad...still stained)

I am not doing that great in my classes, and I am pretty sure I am going to fail at least one of them. And I tell myself it's okay, I can just re-take it...but I don't want to re-take it...

Also, on the fast grad program, I will have to pay for summer semester next year entirely on my own. The Gov. only helps for 2 semesters in a row in any given year.

And If I am on that program I will miss Daniel coming home.

But if I go home there is not a room, nor a bed for me, and I worry about my stuff being in the way, and I would have to find another job, which = not a good thing right now, in Goldendale...it was never a good thing.

And. I need to do laundry...and I have no quarters.)

So I have to go to 8 Performances a semester...and I went to a free one last night...and was doing homework during the performance, and was still writing when an organists came in. Can I just say...he is good, so I sat and listened to him practice...i.e. pull out all the stops. He played Come thou Fount (which we are singing in concert tonight).

His practicing inspired me to go practice.

...so I did...then after my practice I snuck back into the darkened barrus (stage). I turned on a dim stage light, and went to the front of the stage...and sang. (I don't think I was supposed to be there)

It was a glorious moment.

It was such a stress relief!

And it felt so good because I was on my voice! And I don't know if you have ever had the chance to experience the barrus concert hall, but it is acoustically built to resonate! So when you are on your voice it will bounce off every wall in there. Oh the Joy! It was SO SO needed.

I think I need to do that more often!

Vandalism!!!

The Joys of being in College...
I went to sleep for a few hours...
and this is what I get!

I have yet to discovery who the culprit it...
But rest assured...when I do...
There will be restitution...muahahahaha

...School...ha ha.

The Small and simple things that make you smile.

I was having kind of a bad day. I was going through pictures and came across this...the song is just so funny. I couldn't help but smile...so I thought I'd share that smile with all ya'll.

Performing June 29th

I can't even really say how excited
I am for everyone to come down here for the 4th of July!!!

I am so excited to see everyone!

I don't know about ya'll but lately
I have just been craving a family gathering.
Maybe it's because I know everyone will be here soon.

Also...
I know that many are coming up later in the week...but if you happen to be in town

I am performing in a little recital at the school
June 29th
In the Snow Building Recital Hall
It's free and open to all!

(if not. I don't mind singing later on. ha ha.)
It's not anything real big...just fun...
and I am singing some of my harder pieces

I don't know what to do...

I found out yesterday...
that because I failed my jury last semester

It will put me in school for a whole extra year and a half!
to get my Bachelors of Music Education

Really. I am done with school. DONE!

No...not really. I like it
...I just don't want to be here forever because:

1. It's expensive
2. I want a "real" life
3. It's expensive
4. I don't feel dedicated enough
5. It's expensive, and I don't want debt

I can't really go into education unless I finish that extra course work

I don't know what else to do with a Bachelor of Science in Music...
but I can be finished with that by next summer...well actually I'd be finished with it now, I just have to fulfil a minor...
I could teach private lessons with that...but that won't sustain me for living expenses

I could go to grad school...but that's more school
Plus I don't know what I would do with that either.

I just...don't know!!!

I think I know what I want
...but I don't have enough courage to pursue it
...So I question...do I really want it?

I definitely know what I don't want
...and that is I don't want to be an eternal student
I don't want to graduate and get a mediocre job
because I don't have a specified degree

I need a career...a real legitimate career
I don't want to be in debt anymore.

I just don't really know what to do...

(thanks for listening to my needless rant.)

Moral: Eat Breakfast

So yesterday...

SO BUSY!!!
I know...we all have these days:

6:00am - Wake up
6:01am - Hit the snooze button(I swear that they should never have invented those things!!!)
6:45am - Get up. Get Ready for the day
7:20am - Study for Ear Training Exam (sight singing)
8:00am - Write paper. Study Some more. AND!!! I even ate breakfast(I skipped my first class to do this)
8:45am - Walk to class. Called mom. Texted with new phone...which the day before was having a malfunction...I don't know about you, but I have come dependant on my phone, so when it's not working...
9:00am - Arrive at class & find out that I was supposed to have taken an online test the night before...bad news. (it's okay. I didn't want an 'A' in that class anyway)
9:02am - short panic moment followed by mini pep talk.
9:10am - Called up with group for hymn pass off.
This is another torture excercise for music majors. ha ha.
You are given the hymn, and there are different levels you have to pass off...
and the teacher can give you any part of the hymn (soprano, alto, tenor, bass), and you with your group sing the chosen hymn on your chosen part in solfedge(do-re-mi-fa-so) with the correct pitch and tempo...
9:30am - Sight singing Exam
We have this book of given melodies, and we are supposed to study like 25 - 30 at a time and then the teacher can pick any of these, and we are to sing them in solfedge with the proper pitch and rhythm markings. we are at the level where there are lots of skips and jumps...and yeah.
9:50am - texted mom that I think I passed both.
10:00am - Changed to go observe band at Madison Middle School for a class project.
10:15am - arrived at middle school...WITHOUT my temporary instrument...so I got to sing for the class.
10:55am - Interviewed by the middle school teacher (after class)
11:02am - Interviewed middle school teacher for a different class
11:09am - Head to school to write/print off paper for class (about the interview)
11:11am - Realized that my power chord doesn't work...Turned car around & headed home to get power chord.
11:20am - Retrieve power chord, and start again for the school - get up to the temple
11:21am - Realized that I couldn't print without my I-Card...so I turned around again to go home and get it.
11:27am - Decided I was going to be late, so I sat down at home with I-card in pocket, and wrote interview summary
11:38am - Arrive back at school, and open laptop to find out that the summary wasn't saved on the desktop...or anywhere...that my computer was having a connection issue. It won't run on just battery power...
11:39am - re-wrote summary
11:50am - Printed out summary
11:55am - arrive at class approx. 1/2 hour late
12:32pm - spoke with teacher after class regarding up-coming project
12:36pm - Rush from class to the Hart Building for pre-devotional practice...we had our music for 6 days...with 3 in class rehersals...and it was VERY VERY windy, so my skirt was a little issue...
1:36pm - Changed into Choir outfit for Devotional & grabbed some Vending machine lunch
1:50pm - Back in chair for devotional. realized my phone was malfunctioning again...lame.
2:10pm - Put on a stress free smile, and sang in devotional
2:55pm - Ran home, changed outfit & phone. Called mom to tell her about phone. grabbed all laptop stuff to take in to the Computer Help Desk.
3:15pm - Women's Choir Practice
4:25pm - Dropped off Computer at Help desk
4:30pm - went to get some veggies
4:35pm - Went back to help desk for work
7:00pm - Picked up laptop
7:15pm - Staggered home in the wind
...the rest of the evening...
I should have done stuff...
but the internet was down due to the wind...
and It was a friend's birthday...
so we went to star trek & ate birthday cake!!!
Which I loved! (both the movie & the cake)

I do feel a little bit guilty for not studying like I should have
but not really that much...

The moral of the story is...

Eat breakfast, because you never know what your day is going to be like and you might need that energy to get you through!

So you think you can dance.

So You Think You Can Dance returns on May 21, 8pm on FOX.

http://www.fox.com/dance/

This is one of my favorite summer shows!
I am SO glad that it's returning!

It's great because I usually pick shows I like, and instead of just watching them.

I'll go to the gym and watch them there...

Inspiration & Motivation

shoo-rah!

Sore.

Okay. I am really sore.

I went running yesterday...
Real running. not eliptical(which is what I normally do)
I also ran up the stadium twice...(OUCH!)
...and I am REALLY sore.

But I think that...or I hope that the result will be worth it.

also...a minor achievement!
I was able to run 3 laps around the track without stopping,
walking, or slowing!
I have NEVER been able to do that!!!

I am pretty sure pacing is the key...
go figure...

Ok. I did it, and I am ready to admit it...

I went to go see the hannah montana movie...

and I liked it.

I thought it was cute. uplifting. and SUPER cheesy.

I have a hard time with movies these days because they are so intensely violent that you come out feeling exhausted(i.e. Batman: The Dark Knight), or so morally wrong that you didn't see most of it because you were covering your eyes (i.e. Juno), or really so dumb that you feel like you become stupider just from watching (i.e. Napoleon Dynamite)...There are also the teen movies...yeah...

There are few movies I think are movies that you can watch and feel good about...and although I feel embarrassed that as an adult I saw this movie...with another adult...I really enjoyed it. Laughed thru it. And Cried.

This is one that you can simply watch and enjoy.

Oh yeah...and I came out with the song above stuck in my head...it's catchy. As are some of the other songs...

I thought it was a good movie. That's my stand.

CES Fireside & I.

Ok. It wasn't just me...there were about 350 people in the choir

...but I got (according to my parents) about three shots in of me!!!


The CES Fireside Broadcast
LIVE!!
Yesterday from BYU-Idaho
The Speaker was Elder Bednar
... and can I just say that I HIGHLY recommend this talk for everyone!!!

http://www.lds.org/broadcast/ces/0,7341,395,00.html

It was so fantastic!

p.s. I never get hit with the camera when I sing with the choir, so it was a nice surprise when my friends from alaska called & told me that they saw me...and then talked with my parents who said they also saw me...LIVE! Broadcast all over the world!!! I am...how do you say...

ECSTATIC!

http://www.lds.org/move/index.html?type=ces&event=1&lang=english

You can watch it online here^

I really hope that my brother was able to see from his mission in Tennessee...I know sometimes missionaries watch the CES firesides, and maybe it could be my little hello to him!

A wise man once said, "Failure is the same as Success...just with different letters...and different meaning...and arranged in a different way..."

Juries = The music major nightmare...
Well yeah I had that dream, and it didn't turn out the way I wanted it to.

I basically failed.

I don't know of many other times where I have been more disappointed in myself than that day.
The thing about it is...
I know I can do better than what I did.


So for those of you who don't know...
Juries are like American Idol...but in College...every semester
You prepare all semester for whichever level you are in, and then at the end of your semester your entire grade is dependant on this one performance for 3 of the college professors.

When I went to sign up for juries the only spots left were with what I knew was the hardest judging panel available.

1 week later...boom!...juries!
I woke up SUPER early to start warming up.
I went to the stage and performed in the dark.
I felt ready.
I then had to go to a final - Ear Training,
and then I had 1 hour to pull myself together and sing for the juries...

My accompanist and I met 1/2 hour before the semester began and went through all of my music. I asked her for her advice on which piece to sing for my presentation piece(because at my level you sing two pieces, one you present and one chosen randomly by the judges). She said I sounded the best on a song that I didn't expect. I decided that I would go with that one for my presentation piece...not a good idea...I was not as confident in that piece as I was with others, and I really think that in music confidence is everything...(ha. that is why sometimes I feel like I am not cut out for it)..anyway...

The Judges were ahead of schedule, so they told me I could go in at any time. I hesitated...bad idea ha. Cause I psyched myself out...

And when I was thoroughly nervous. I walked in. (also a bad idea)

I presented my song, and began.
I was having trouble breathing, and i couldn't seem to get a deep enough breath throughout the whole piece.
Also, I held back.
My tone was a little flat, and I could tell, so the nerves kicked into a higher gear.

Then I waited as the judges looked over the rest of my repitoir and then finally chose the second piece.
I felt lucky because they chose the piece I had intended for my presentation piece. That was some relief, but I still didn't get as much air as I needed to get through the melismas.
The accompanist began, and she set the pace slower than I had practiced.
The judges were even making obvious gestures that let me know that it was too slow.
As I was trying to pick up the pace without a noticable difference, I left out the 2nd stanza of the 1st verse. My vocal coach happened to be on my pannel, and also happened to be the person who arranged the piece, and she was mouthing the words...
I realized that I had forgotten the verse's ending, and tried to insert it, but the music had already passed. I stopped my accomanist, and began at the begining of that stanza.

Before I had walked into juries, I had prayed that they would be able to see in me the talent that I hoped I had...I prayed that I would be able to express in the music all the time I had spent working on it, and I prayed that they would see a true singer in me.

Because of the mishap in the first verse, the second verse was a bit rocky as well, and I felt like the accompanist didn't follow me at all, which made me look more off...ha. But I decided during that verse that I would need to do amazing on the ending to be able to have even a hope of passing. In the third verse I stepped it up, and from then to the end of the piece I let go of all fears and simply focused on making the ending sound as it had in practice.

When it was all over the judges said thank you. And I retreated from the hall. My accompanist gave encouraging words, which I barely heard through my regret. I went straight to a practice room and had a miniature breakdown. The dissapointment was overwhelming. I did not have long to fret though because I still had two more finals to take care of.

After I had taken the last of those finals, I went to my vocal coach's office to give her my vocal journal. I had planned to just drop it off in front of her door, but I ended up knocking, and she was there.

We sat down, and I told her how dissappointed I was, and she told me that she knew I could do better too, and that I held back too much. She told me that the judges had, after I left talked for over an hour about my performance, and how they could see that I did truly have a great voice, and how they just wanted me to let it out...

Another music advisor I spoke with said that there is nothing harder to tune than a big voice held back.

I was shocked to hear that they all had agreed that I had a good voice, and they wanted to hear more of it! They believed in me when I didn't believe in myself.

The semester was so stressful...I was trying to do so much...and I had beat myself up the whole time. I compared myself with other singers, and kept saying to myself that I was not good enough, and that I never could be.

When you play an instrument, it's a little different. You practice, and practice, and you develop motor skills by pushing levers or valves, by moving your fingers accross the keys.
Singing is you. It's all you. You cannot upgrade your instrument by paying more money. At the end of the day you do not put you in a case until the next time you practice. It is deeply personal. And when someone says your instrument - for all the hundreds of hours put into practice - is not good enough... they are talking about you.

It can be a tad overwhelming. And I know that I let my fear overtake me sometimes. And I do hold back. If I hold back, you don't get to see the real me, and I can protect that part of me that I love more than anything else. Sometimes the only thing I really even like about myself. It is selfish of me. And I try to let go of that.

But satan has a very real influence in my life. That fear. The fear that people might see me. The fear that they may not like it. The fear that people may never see me. That fear is in large part his influence.

The fact that they, my jury of professionals...they saw me through my fear was really a great experience and reward. They saw in me what my family has seen for years, and what I am just begining to discover.

Singing is what I do. It's not who I am. I failed my jury. But I am not a failure.

I just don't like moving. That's all.

Okay, so...you know what, I hate moving.
I like being in a stable environment.

I like not having to change what just became comfortable.
I like knowing people in the neighborhood.

I like...stability...After spending a year in Utah, I launched myself back into college.

In rexburg I have never...NEVER spent more than one semester in the same apartment.NEVER!I have lived in about every place you can live here on campus.

Here's the rundown:

1. Rexburg - Arbor Cove Apt C4 - 2nd Summer '02
2. Home - Fall '02
3. Rexburg -Davenport Apt 10- Winter '03
4. Rexburg -Davenport Apt 6- Winter '03
5. Home - Fall '03
6. Rexburg -Aspen Village - Winter '04
7. Rexburg -Snowview Apt 10 - Summer '04
8. Florida - Chatam Square - Fall '04
9. Florida - Another Complex(I don't remember the name) - Jan-June '05
10. Home - June '05 - April '06
11. Rexburg - A'mann da's Cottage(house) - Summer '06
12. Rexburg - Davenport House 124 - 1/2 Fall '06
13. Home - 1/2 Fall '06
14. Rexburg - Royal Crest - Winter '07
15. Rexburg - Brooklyn Apt 204 - Summer '07
16. Provo - Sparks Apt 19 - Sept'07 - Dec '08
17. Rexburg - Birchwood Apt 402 - Winter '09
18. Rexburg - Birch Plaza Apt 315 - Current

...Did I mention that I was just a little tired of moving...I need stability in my life!

When I was little, and we moved around all the time I thought of it as a game. I just expected to move every two years or so. I remember being 10 or so, and telling a friend that I couldn't really be friends with her because I would just be moving again...cause I wanted to move again...

I know...I know...

I love making friends
I don't like losing them

I love Decorating and making it 'MY' home
I don't like lugging around all the stuff

I love adventure
I don't like trying to find a new foundation

I love Games
I just don't like moving
that's all.

Almost Done!

I am excited for, and I dread at the same time the end of this semester.

It is coming up so incredibly fast!
I am always terrified of Juries, and friday, my vocal coach and I chose to change one of my songs.
Although I sort of know the song that was chosen, I still have to learn it perfectly in two weeks!

I haven't had the chance to perform any of my songs except for one, and I just hired a pianist on Thursday. Talk about last minute! I feel I've definitely got a long two weeks ahead of me! and at the same time I feel like they could not possibly be long enough.

I am excited for the end. I am trying to modify my schedule so that it's not so stressful next semester, and still graduate fast. ha. I have been in school so long, I am SO ready to be done.
That should be next summer.

I Get to go home for a whole week between semesters which! I am also excited for! Because at that time all the pressure will be lifted, and there won't be anything I can do at that point to change what I have to to in the next two weeks.

Ah! Did I mention that I am very excited to be done with school...

What's your flavor?

I have to say that ice cream may be my ultimate comfort food...and I am not sure why...

I don't know if it's that it's sweet & creamy...
Or that sometimes it's chunky and I can relate...
Or Sprinkles that put a spring in your step...
Or maybe it's that sugar rush that comes and gives you a temporary brain freeze...no not that one...
It's one thing that isn't complicated...
Or the colors! Bubblegum is always so tempting just because it's bright pink!

But I really Love Ice Cream. LoVe IT!
Love it! is coincidentally my size at Cold Stone...
this I know after much trial and error...

When I was in Utah I would take myself out to Ice Cream & a Movie.
Going alone is liberating,
but going with friends is invigorating!

Ice Cream brings people together
And it somehow helps when you feel like you are going to fall apart.
It is something that I really feel I could not do well without.

I like different ice cream on different days too.
I am not sure if I correspond really consistently with moods, but
I just know that I could never really stick with one flavor for very long...
I do have several favorites...
and these have actually changed over the years
so after much thought and consideration
here is my ALL TIME top five flavors:

1. Cold Stone's Birthday Cake flavor
2. Ben & Jerry's Cookie Dough
3. Baskin Robin's Baseball Nut (cashews with a berry swirl)
4. Reed's Dairy's Licorice
4.5. Albertson's Brand Mint Chocolate Chip (but it has cookie pieces)
5. Arctic Circle's Chocolate Cone

What's your flavor?

Eye Spy

So. Funny Story.

I have been needing new glasses for awhile, but I didn't have the money...

So I waited...and waited...and...

My eyes have been getting progressively worse...It's hard for me to drive at night now.

So I heard from a roommate that there was an optometrist in town that accepted student insurance...So yesterday on my way home from getting milk, I drove past...saw the sign that said they accept student insurance...and decided to stop.

A few questions. $35. A quick Exam & VOLAH! I can see!

The Doc gave me a pair of trial contacts to see how they work, and man...I did not know that people could see the things I do now...

I usually marvel at landscape pictures, because with my regular vision I am near sided, so everything starts to blur farther

out...but now I can see! Ha.

It's kind of a simple thing, but I am grateful that there was a way provided that I could afford to get this done...

...& now...I don't have to squint at the chalk board! Shoo-Rah!

Time to vent...

I hate being told that I am not good enough. I hate it...
I know I need to work harder, but I don't have time to practice any extra...

I have jury in 3 weeks, and I am so not prepared, and today my voice teacher let me know that she didn't think I was good enough to sing one of the songs in my repertoire... and maybe I am not...

I just find it so frustrating that I am working so hard, and it's still not even close to being good enough...

It really breaks my heart every time that I am rejected...and that has happened countless times, and I know is just a part of being in music...it still hurts, even when I can feel it coming.

I think that the worst part is that I reject myself sometimes before other people can reject me. I think that is the biggest reason that I get so nervous when I am trying to sing classical music...

So. that's the drama for today...
tomorrow is another day.

This is who I am.

Thursday we celebrated Grandpa's 80th birthday!


It was so much fun! We played a balloon game, and I got to sing, although I wish I had been better prepared to sing something special...Next time I will have something prepared for sure...

More than anything else I was deeply touched by each of the comments, and memories the family had written to grandpa...
While we were sitting there my mind jumped to a story we had read earlier that day in one of my classes:

Brother Lauritz Petersen was called to be the director of the family record extraction program in the Camp Verde Stake in Arizona. The assignment was to work with records from Old Spain. Brother Petersen had the following experience:
The first year was tough. Despite the efforts of dedicated people, the fledgling program seemed
doomed to fail. Lauritz Petersen was depressed and ready to quit. Sincere prayer, fasting, and soul- searching for days that stretched into weeks, then months, had brought no clear answers.
Finally one evening, after a particularly anguished prayer, Brother Petersen settled into bed, telling his wife, “That’s it, I’m quitting. This just can’t be worth what it is costing the members of this stake.”
He finally drifted into an uneasy sleep.
“Lauritz, Lauritz.”
He was awakened hours later by a voice calling his name. He turned to check his still sleeping wife. Puzzled, he glanced toward the foot of the bed, but the bedroom wall had disappeared, and
hundreds of people filled the room. A dark-complexioned man of medium height detached himself from the crowd and came toward him, repeating his name insistently.
“Lauritz, what do you see over here?” the man asked, gesturing to where the dresser should have been.
“Many people, singing, and dancing in a circle.”
“That’s right,” the man affirmed. “They are those whose names your stake has extracted. Because of your work, they have been able to have their temple work done. What do you see on this side?” he continued, gesturing to the left.
“People praying.”
“Can you hear what they are saying?” he prompted.
As he strained to hear the voices, suddenly the sounds became distinguishable. “Father please bless Lauritz Petersen,” they pleaded. “Bless him to carry on with this work and not quit.”
“These are the people whose names are on the records in your possession, but have not yet been
extracted,” the man explained.
“Who are all of these people?” Brother Petersen questioned, pointing to the multitudes straight
ahead, whose eyes stared into his own.
“Their names are on the records that will be sent to you if you carry on with the program,” the
spokesman continued. “Lauritz, this is an important work. Please don’t quit.”
“I won’t,” Brother Petersen promised. Then the room was once more empty and he found himself gazing at the bedroom wall.
“I knew the Lord wanted the extraction program in this stake,” he says. “It didn’t matter who ran it or what problems we had; it would be successful.” Brother Petersen lay awake for the rest of the night, making plans to revamp the program (Rodriguez, 1987, pp. 14–15).

...I am also reminded of the Scripture:

D&C 2:2-3
"and he shall plant in the hearts of the children the promises made to the fathers, and the hearts of the children shall turn to their fathers. If it were not so, the whole earth would be utterly wasted at His coming."


What does this have to do with it? Well...Grandpa has affected, influenced, encouraged, lifted up, inspired, and touched the lives of countless people. He and each of his children, and their children have all inspired me to be a better person. They all have such admirable characteristics. Each of them inspire, and influence countless other people...and so thousands of people are touched by one honest and honorable man. My Grandpa is a true example of how one person can change the world. Our Hearts are truly turned to His as much as His is to ours.

My only hope is that I can one day influence as many for good as he has. I am so grateful for all of my family. Here at school I have often felt the deep longing pangs of sorrow and loneliness, but God has not left me alone here...


Whenever I hug Grandpa Goodbye, he always tells me, " remember who you are, and have fun."
I have, over the years reflected on what this means.
Who am I? How am I supposed to know.
...days like yesterday remind me.

Who am I?

I am the Niece of those who have soft hearts, and loving arms.
The Sister of those who want to make the world a better place.
The Cousin of those who were born to inspire.
The Granddaughter of women who warm not only the heart, but the soul.
I am the Daughter of two of the most Amazing people I know.
And...
I am the Granddaughter of Ralph Ervin Murdock who has indeed made the world a better place.

This is who I am.

Blonde

I cannot believe this. But alas it is true!

My little sister has shown more spunk, and guts than I ever had. 

She traded her bouncy brunette curls for a new hip blonde look!

And she looks SO cute!

This is something I could never pull off, and

 I admire her guts for it!

It's amazing because she looks fantastic with both hair styles.

She is such a beautiful and charismatic young lady! 

She could pull off anything!

Every time I talk with her I am reminded of how much 

she is growing up. 

I told her when her roots start to grow 

she should weave it with black, 

But she doesn't like that idea

...don't worry...I'll keep working on it. Ha. ha. ha...

Maybe...if she can pull it off...then...I might...

nope. still not that brave.

Well, I still can't believe it... But...there is the proof:

Roommates...*sigh*

Okay. So, she probably didn't know...but I have been having an extremely bad week. And I was angry at first, but I don't care now. Water under the bridge.

So I was getting ready for class this morning - and let me tell you it was one heck of a morning. I woke up 15 minutes after my first class started, and when I woke up I realized that I missed one of my mid-terms...I am such a space case...so I was pretty discouraged, and I am not really a morning person to begin with - so I am doing my hair, and my roommate comes in and closes the door to my room, because my roommate was sleeping...I wasn't really thinking about it...and her alarm had started to ring an hour earlier anyway.

Anyway, she goes to do something at the counter, and while she thinks I am not looking she makes this face at me. Like she's disgusted at me. Talk about an uplifting moment.

I know that my roommates don't know me that well, and that is my fault. I am never home, and when I am home, I am often sleeping, eating or in my room. I don't socialize very often. But I am not here to socialize. I am not here to get married(although It'd be nice...). I am here for school.

When I first arrived at school my roommate's cousin basically accused me of stealing her keys, which she had just gotten stuck in the couch...but my theory is, she just doesn't know me. None of them really know me. There just hasn't been time. So I understand the distance there is between us...believe me when I say I would LOVE not to feel so isolated in my house.

I don't have any hard feelings really, but rather just know that you are a catalyst in the lives of other people. My goal is to stop waling around with a disgruntled face, and try to be nicer to other people. That way hopefully when they are stressed, I might be a small glimmer of light in their dark world.

I think that not letting go of that small action this morning, could have been potentially lethal to this already crazy day. I appreciate life's little lessons. Even this one.

And my day didn't turn out so bad after all.

I did it again...

Sometimes I do the Stupidest things. And it really gets to me, because I feel like I should know better, but in the back of my mind there is always that slim hope that it'll be different this time... So I have this habit of shopping, and buying things that are too small.

You know occasionally, I think it's fine to have an inspirational piece, but...really...it seems impractical

...but I found this coat...and IT's AMAZING! Incredibly cute, one of a kind, will never find again...and 2 sizes smaller than I...

So naturally...I bought it...because it was on sale. it was like $25 at Downeast...down from the original price of $200. (they had an amazing sale...I also got a wool scarf for $.50 & a t-shirt for $2.50...amazing...those I can wear...)

So I'd like to think I got a great deal...but I still bought something I can't wear...
Does this mean that I ripped myself off?


...At the beginning of this semester I threw out all the clothes I had kept weight loss motive, all of them(minus the dress my mom wore in her engagement pictures, I still hope that I can fit that for mine). I have been trying as hard as I know how for the past year to loose weight...and I have toned...that's nice...but I hadn't really lost that much weight, in fact I hadn't lost any since early in the process...and I figured I never will, so...
I threw out all the things I had collected.

Whether it is stress from school, or the fact that I don't have a desk job anymore, or what I don't know, but since that time I have lost about 10 pounds - which is a big deal...cause I have been stuck on a plateau for over 8 months...which is very frustrating (I even went vegan for 2 months, and that...almost worked). This encourages me that someday I might just fit this coat...but I have always...always been over the weight I am now, and hope is...slim(pun. ha ha.)