Student Teaching.

Well my time in school is winding down to an end...or a beginning, depending on how you look at it. I am at the point where I can't wait for the end, but I don't want to let go of what I have now...and at the same time I am looking at what I have now, and wondering if it will be enough to carry me through.

Student Teaching:

I feel like I am giving my all. Everything I have, and yet I am not where I want to be. I feel mediocre. In many ways student teaching has brought out all of my weaknesses and placed them right before my eyes.

In some ways they haunt me, and I feel powerless to overcome them...and at other times I have sweet moments of success when I can tell that I taught something new, and my students understood.

I guess I am a perfectionist...because failure even in the slightest degree makes me sick to the point where I feel nauseous.

I guess that is fitting for Halloween...today might have been a colossal fail...and I'm not sure if I'm feeling all dramatic lately or if I'm internalizing things that weren't supposed to be...but I want to be great, and I'm not. This is not an over-dramatization...it really was a fail. It's hard to accept that I still have a lot to learn. It's not something I can learn by taking a test, or reading a book...It's something that will take time...and a lot of patience.

Today is the first day that I really thought to myself, "maybe I can't do this." It's a scary thought near the end of this journey. I have fought for so long to get to where I'm at, and now that the end is staring me in the face I feel like reality has settled in, and all that I worked for over the past years is not enough.

The worst thing is I honestly feel like I am giving it my all...I am doing everything I know how...and it still feels insufficient. I feel insufficient. Which is something I've been used to throughout school...it's just part of what I've decided to do... it seems to have hit all in a few days, and I am overwhelmed to say the least.

Wow...this feels like a dump session...maybe it is. Well...it is what it is.