I have spent so much of my life...wishing...
...I wished to be popular,
I wished to be pretty,
I wished I could sing,
I wished I could be skinny,
I wished I could have my pick of the boys,
I wished I could be confident,
I wished he'd like me,
I wished anyone liked me,
I wished I didn't do that,
I wish I didn't care so much,
I wish I studied harder,
I wish I had understood better,
I wish I had listened,
I wish I had already graduated,
I wish I hadn't listened,
I wish I was faster,
I wish I could have more money,
I wish I had known.
I have spent so much time wishing that I could find future happiness instead of being happy right now. I have spent a lot of time hating myself for things I didn't have that I wish I did...I can't believe I have spent so much time worrying and wishing.
Now here I am. Single. 26. Still in school.
I am looking back at all the dreams I had when I was younger, and how much time I have spent worrying and wishing, and now I am left with nothing. I feel like I am too old to fight for what I want. That I just need to slip quietly into the hum drum of life, and keep wishing that things turn out happy.
How much time do I have to waste to realize that my life is my own?
While I do not always choose the path, I do choose the means of traveling.
I am facing another jury next week. This time is a little different - because of my injury I was not able to jury last semester, so this is a make up jury. As I think about it my lungs constrict and my heart beats faster...if I didn't care so much I might actually be confident enough to get a good score...isn't it funny how that works.
I feel like I put all of this imaginary pressure on myself.
I feel old, and "behind," not confident, not skilled. I worry that they will judge me based on what they know of me. You know what's funny...a lot of teachers think I don't have the skills I do because I hide them behind a curtain of doubt. (yeah. not that funny.) I don't want to hide anymore.
I am not going to look back and wish I did better. I am going to do better. I am going to be confident. I can't keep hiding behind wishes.
If I keep doing this I am never actually going to live my life.
(while I say this...I have not a clue in the world as to how to change my mindset, but life is about learning, and I will do it.)
Oh Amy Jo!!! I miss so much. I really liked what you wrote. It made me think a lot about my own life as well. First, you are incredible! My life was influenced so much by you and your friendship. I am so grateful for that. My college years will always be associated with our friendship. I WISH you could see how talented you are and how pretty you are. Focusing on today is a struggle for many and something you have to just keep trying at. You deserve all the good things and Heavenly Father knows when they will be right for you. I know He will not deny you the things that matter most, it is His plan for you that is in progress. Keep going to the temple and doing what is right. Be happy and know people love you and admire you. I know I am one of them!!
ReplyDeleteLove to you, cousin! You are beautiful and talented, but more than that, you are disciplined. You have had to work so hard against fear to go forward. Let your love of the music shine out and I have great confidence in you!!!
ReplyDeleteChange is hard, but I am sure if you want it bad enough you will achieve it! You are SOO TALENTED....I have heard you sing and know how good you are! You've got this!! :) Go conquer the world!
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