I've been thinking.

Well...I have. believe it or not.

I've been thinking over what I might journal next, and I have a list... but my mind isn't ready to wrap itself around anything on that 2011 list while it's so involved in trying to figure out 2012.

I had the privilege to go to the Salt Lake temple for the very first time yesterday to a live session. Most of what I learned is too personal to put here, but I just wanted to put a share thoughts - Jenny and I went, and funny story - we'd both been planning to maybe go Thursday - but not together, and somehow both of our plans fell through, so we decided upon yesterday afternoon. Thursday I was planning to just go to the Jordan River. I am pretty sure it was one of those tender mercies that the Lord has so graciously provided for me. He knew how much I'd wanted to go to a live session, and how afraid I was of going there alone. I've been to every other local temple in the last several months except the Salt Lake, because I knew how large it was, and I was scared of going by myself.

Ever since Mindy's wedding, when she was sealed in the beautiful Portland temple, every time I go to the temple I am reminded again that I haven't yet found my help meet. (I cannot tell you how many times people have said to me recently "you'll find him.") All last year there were constant reminders (yes...I know...I haven't found him yet. thanks for again letting me know - haha). I started to doubt - but as I attend the temple my doubts fade and my trust grows. I know, I know he's out there... I actually don't mind so much life with out him right now except for instance the little moment I crave to share with someone - like my first time in the SLC temple - so, somehow the Lord knew my desires, and Jenny answered my prayer. A prayer I'd given up hope of getting answered anytime soon.

I feel so much a part of the McAllister family - I cannot say how thankful I am for them letting me be a part of their family, and taking away some of the loneliness that has been with me for some time. Another tender mercy of the Lord answered by the McAllisters.




...I don't know how many people know this, but over the past several years I've struggled with depression...I think I actually have battled it back and forth on my own since my mid-high school years - it finally got to the point where I sought a counselor at the school because I felt like I'd lost control. There were days when I woke up, got ready for school, and stopped to look in the mirror - I literally felt nauseated - I changed and changed and finally decided that day that I would not be going anywhere, so I'd go back to bed...There were other things too...some days my heart would literally ache. I don't deal with stress very well sometimes, so when I'm more stressed it gets worse.

I think I've dealt with depression on some level since I was about 11 or 12 - worse at times in Florida - pretty bad when I lost my hair...some of my hair loss might have been caused by it - it reached a climax when I lived in Provo - I don't think I was quite out of the woods yet when I was telling people that I was fine - so...

when I got into my car accident, and was dealing with pain every day from the injuries, I took a downward spin. Before when I'd experienced it, I'd always felt like I'd had some level of control - like I had a choice at some point to turn around and decide to be happy, but somewhere along the line I lost my grip on that control. I don't know when or what caused me to loose grip, but it scared me very much - the thoughts I had, and the feelings I felt - even some of the choices I made. It's almost like being on a merry-go-round feeling sea sick, and not finding the steadiness to jump off because I'd been on for too long.

I remember the day - going back and hiding under the covers until I heard each of my roommates leave. I went out and sat on the couch and just cried. I knew I needed help - I knew the signs of depression I'd just ignored that I had them, everyone I think has some every once in awhile - but at that point I had too many - more than I knew how to handle. The day I realized I'd never graduate in that condition...that day on the couch...that's the day I made the appointment. I met with a counselor for what felt like just a weekly sob fest. Oh, some days I was terrified to go, because I knew that I would end up crying. Sometimes I felt like it was his goal to get me to cry. He told me that my thoughts were distorted, and that I was not very balanced. Oh if he only knew!!! If he only knew...but, I think I remember he did - early in the sessions - remind me to pray and go to church - I hadn't been able to sit through very much church - or very much of anything because of the back pain...I made it a challenge - I challenged myself to go to all sessions of church regardless of the back pain.

I turned to what had once been my source of light and balance while on my previous sunken ships. I turned toward the temple, and started going again more often. Something I'd neglected, because sitting for that long was hard on my back. It's still not easy to sit that long without pain.

My last meeting with my counselor was in January 2011. I'd like to give him credit, because he did listen to me - he listened to my deep dark fears, but he didn't take them away - but I feel the the Lord did. As I attended the temple last year prayers were answered...It's definitely not like my life was any less stressful - definitely not - but somewhere early last year it was like someone flipped a switch, and I was suddenly able to deal with the stress. Not only that, I had a breakthrough with my voice - something just clicked into place. I stopped internalizing my failures, and started looking at them as stepping stones for learning how to succeed. Things that I'd prayed for for years all of a sudden were right before me. I learned that my voice teacher had put my name in the temple. She knew much of what my family was going through at the time - and she felt inclined to put my name in the temple. I'd no idea of this until after, I only knew that I'd felt a physical change in my life, and I was expressing these changes to her when she told me of the tender mercy. Prayers are answered in the temple.

In His temples there is balance, and true beauty. There is love and hope and especially peace. Every time I have an especially bad day(week) I know I can go there and find the peace my soul longs for. I feel a special connection with temples - I know that there my prayers are answered...I feel that in the temple I can ask for the things I desire the most regardless of how silly they seem...when I go, my answers are more direct - or maybe it's that become better in tune and can hear them better... It is in the temple that I have come to understand how much the Lord truly knows my heart - He knows me, and yesterday was no exception. Yesterday was answers to my small prayers.