When you lose your life, you find it.

Never been kissed is one of my favorite 90s shows...with Drew Barrymore. Her character is someone I feel like I can relate to. In Elementary & Jr. High, I was the one to be made fun of, and even into High School somewhat. I don't think anyone gets out of school without being made fun of at one point or another, but like the character in the movie - I took it personally.

Even so, I never thought that I would be in the same situation as the character in the movie at my age. While I am not posing as a student, I have returned to High School as a teacher...and...I have never been kissed.

"That thing, that moment, when you kiss someone and everything around becomes hazy and the only thing in focus is you and this person and you realize that that person is the only person that you're supposed to kiss for the rest of your life, and for one moment you get this amazing gift and you want to laugh and you want to cry because you feel so lucky that you found it and so scared that that it will go away all at the same time."

For so long, I have felt a great deal of the insecurities that Josie felt in the movie. Mostly related to weight. Since I can remember, I have just considered myself heavy. Because of stress in my younger years, I started eating more than needed, and then because of teasing I started dieting at 11 or 12. I have pretty much been "working on weight" ever since. I have held myself back because of my poor self perception.

Sometimes, I wonder if the moment will come. If someday, will my prince come? Er...maybe when is the right question. I am not filled with regret for kissing the wrong someone, and I am not remorseful for waiting. I have come to trust in the Lord's timing, and I am not worried, or stressed about when...but I do wonder.

Returning to High School has been quite an eye opening experience for me. Seeing high school, the days I have for so long tried to forget, from this perspective has changed my outlook of life completely. I see myself in each of my students, and I long for them to not make the same mistakes that I did.

I am actually very happy with my life thus far...the only regret I have is holding so tightly to the weight related anxiety, and thinking I was not worthy of wholesome relationships because of my appearance. So many kids these days grow up in fear of what other people think. Why? Why do we depend on other people to dictate who we are. We give up our agency when we let our perception of ourselves be dependent upon the opinions of others.

As I have realized this my perception of myself has changed. There were a few instances during my student teaching - one student asked me if I had stage fright...the answer was yes - then I had to reanalyze why. Why do I have stage fright? Well, at that point I was worried about my grade, but other times I WAS worried about what other people would think...and then I think stage fright became a habit.

I have noticed that as I have made this realization of the student's perception of me, my perception of myself has altered. I started to act like I was confident, I allowed myself to make mistakes in front of people...

I'd like to say that I'm actually confident, but I don't think I am... I have, however stopped worrying so much about myself, and I have started concentrating on whether or not my students are learning. As my worries have been pointed in a new direction I have also noticed that I am actually becoming happier...and yeah...maybe even a little more confident.

Through this experience I have come to really grasp what C.S. Lewis was talking about when he said, “Your real, new self will not come as long as you are looking for it. It will come when you are looking for Him. Does that sound strange? The same principle holds, you know, for more everyday matters. Even in social life, you will never make a good impression on other people until you stop thinking about what sort of impression you are making. Even in literature and art, no man who bothers about originality will ever be original whereas if you simply try to tell the truth (without caring twopence how often it has been told before) you will, nine times out of ten, become original without ever having noticed it. The principle runs through all life from top to bottom, Give up yourself, and you will find your real self. Lose your life and you will save it. Submit to death, death of your ambitions and favorite wishes every day and death of your whole body in the end submit with every fiber of your being, and you will find eternal life. Keep back nothing. Nothing that you have not given away will be really yours. Nothing in you that has not died will ever be raised from the dead. Look for yourself, and you will find in the long run only hatred, loneliness, despair, rage, ruin, and decay. But look for Christ and you will find Him, and with Him everything else thrown in.”
― C.S. Lewis, Mere Christianity

At the beginning of the school year I told my cousins that everyone feels insecure at some point or another. This is true. I also told them that if they just pretend to be confident, then no one will notice that they are feeling insecure. Also true. What I didn't realize is that I needed to apply this concept to myself. I regret holding back...I wish I would have realized that I simply needed to let go earlier. I wish I would have allowed myself to make mistakes and look a little ridiculous in front of people earlier.

Well, you might be wondering what this has to do with kissing...well...I will tell you.

I wish I had been confident sooner (I still wish I was more confident now...haha it's a process). I wish I hadn't been so afraid of making relationships, and so afraid of being open to failure. If I had been a little more open to people maybe I would have been kissed earlier - but all those chances I had to kiss someone I drew away. I avoided it, not because I didn't want them, or the kiss, but because I was afraid.

In fact...I might've not had to spend so many years waiting for the right person to find me. How could he have found me when I've been hiding?

(not to say that I actually would have found him faster, but I do think that this concept is something I needed to understand)