Living to Learn, Learning to Live

Over the past several months I seem to have lost myself. I don't quite know how it happened, but I think it all started with a decline in my integral self. By that I mean, I have been trying to be the kind of person that I thought others wanted me to be, and consequently by doing so I lost the structure of my self.

I have also been on the job hunt now for 5 months. Let me tell you that wears you down! Trying to be who people want and expect, and then when you're not that person, when you don't measure up it's like I open up a war zone upon myself and quickly bring to the surface all of my flaws...and let me tell you...I am flawed. And on top of that my ability to communicate my strengths with potential employers, well...that is also flawed.

I lost sight of who I am and wanted to be, and then wonder why I'm not that person.

I built up retaining walls around what I thought was acceptable and what was not. For a long time I have had problems with my insecurities overcoming my ability to be outgoing, but this is different. I have retreated inward. I have become anti-social to the point where I don't know how to carry on conversations with people because I'm afraid of offending someone in some abstract way. I over analyze everything I say and my anxiety takes over and I automatically assume that what I've said is taken the worst possible way. If I realize I might have offended I am consumed by guilt to the point where I become physically nauseated. On top of that because I am trying to please everyone else sometimes I do say off color things purposefully the guilty nausea shows up there too, because that's just not me. It's not who I am.

It has culminated to bring about the biggest breakdown I've had in a long time. I'm not sure which hurt worse, the job rejection or my self analysis of the 30 minute interview. I do not like to admit this - and I am not admitting it for sympathy, but rather for background information - I spent hours sobbing uncontrollably. I felt like I would never be who people want me to be. I felt defeated and incapable. I blamed my own weaknesses for my inability to obtain employment. Originally I thought that Salt Lake was the place I was supposed to be...and because of repeated failed circumstances my doubts were at a new high.

I spoke with my mother, and we made a rough outline of a plan for me to wave my white flag and retreat home. She told me to call a friend, and I told her no. Then she suggested I go to the temple - this had been running through my mind so I decided this would be the best game plan.

I sobbed all the way through getting ready. Every time I thought it was done more negative and self incriminating thoughts surfaced and it started again. I had no idea how I was to get out of the house without the blotchy redness showing, and it was not a conversation I was ready to have with anyone. I took deep breaths and somehow I contained it enough to make it out the door. I sobbed all the way to the temple, and all the way through the session.

By the time I got to the Celestial room I had a migraine from all the sobbing and jaw tension. I sat on one of the corner couches, closed my eyes, and begged for guidance. I felt trapped, incompetent, and lost all at the same time. I kept returning to thoughts of failure. How each time I'd let myself hope I let myself down.

I received no clear answers. I thought to myself that maybe I wasn't being specific enough, so I asked more specific questions. After a few minutes of that I abandoned that approach and thought to myself, "what do I want?" We all have agency, and I know that the Lord takes it into account in all matters, so I asked for the two things I wanted most: A job, and an apartment. I told the Lord it doesn't matter where, it doesn't matter how hard I will take anything, and I will accept it with gratitude. I had my eyes closed so long that I nodded off to sleep. I was awoken when I heard the next session coming in. I looked up, I was the last from the previous session, so I gathered my tissues and left. The only conclusion I'd come to was that the Lord wouldn't have pulled me away from my family for no reason. That there was something I still needed to do here before I retreat home.

I was calmer, so I decided that since I hadn't eaten I should treat myself to a good meal. I went across the street to the mall and treated myself to a delicious mango enchilada. (I realize that I am chubby because I often drown my sorrows in food, but man...that was worth every bite.) I was a little disappointed that the lemonade had so much ice, but I was happier and a little more rational. I walked to the godiva store and bought a very expensive truffle, and then went to my car and headed home...I thought I might be dehydrated from all the crying. I still had a very intense headache, so I stopped by McDonalds for water

When I got home I returned to my e-mail intending to write a letter to the principal and ask how I might have done better. In my inbox was an invitation for an interview for a school in my current district. On came more tears. I'm not sure if the tears were more from happiness or embarrassment for letting myself get to the point where I feel so lost. I lost faith in the Lord's plan, and in loosing that I'd lost faith in myself. Ultimately my biggest flaw wasn't my awkwardness or my weak musical skills it was this:


"We cannot claim to be children of God and then go around acting like Orphans"

I have been acting like an orphan for some time. I lost integrity by not deciding that I would follow the Lord's plan regardless of the time table. I lost myself when I did not trust that who I am in enough.

You want to know the ironic thing. The person who got the job is the person who provided the vacancy for the job I will be interviewing for.

I knew of her, but I didn't know her - I'd had conversations with my mentor about how this other teacher wasn't happy with where she was. Knowing that I am actually grateful I didn't get the job because in her new job I'm sure she will be happy - the school has a great parental support system, and the students are high academic achievers. Maybe she needed it more than I. This simply reaffirmed that the Lord does have a plan for each of us.

Regardless of if I actually get this next job or not - this experience has taught me that I need to stop trying to impress everyone else, and just be myself. It has taught me that maybe the picture is bigger than just my own needs. With this decision I somehow feel released from all the bondage I have been building up over the past few months and even the past few years - I feel more free to be me, and more confident that I am someone of worth.

I went seeking guidance, and I still do not have a direct path, but I know what I need to do. I need to stop being so introverted and start contributing. I need to stop holding back and start giving unconditionally. I need to stop having pity parties and start having actual parties (clean ones). I need to learn to live by choice and not by chance.