Ouch!

Perhaps I should learn from my mistakes...so that I do not repeat them.

I am the kind of person that does not ask for help when I need it. I don't tell people I'm in pain - I just grit my teeth and put up with it.

In most circumstances I hardly tell my family until after I've dealt with things on my own, or until I have no other choice but to ask for help. I have a really hard time admitting I am weak...even to myself.

When I was 15 my family was moving to Goldendale, Washington from Meridian, Idaho. It was during this time I think I really started to just swallow my feelings - figuratively and metaphorically.

My dad had been in a car wreck that broke his spine, and my mom was either recovering from or going to have a surgery in Idaho Falls.

So it was up to Mindy, Myself, and Daniel to pack everything from our storage compartment to the moving van. My dad was there to supervise, and drive the moving van.

 
At one point packing required that I climb over the towers of stuff to get things out - we weren't packing everything because we were only moving into a small apartment in Goldendale.

I'd seen my dad in pain almost the whole summer - and he was trying to help and even lift a few things. As he tried to help, I saw him wince with pain, and I decided that I was going to be strong. I would swallow my own pain and weakness - ignore it, and I would do what it takes. The first time I really remember being terrified or in pain and sucking it up was this moment on top of this tower of stuff trying to pull things out to put in the moving van. Perhaps this was also the moment that spawned my irrational fear of heights? Anyway, at the top of a tower of stuff I looked down and right next to me was a hole to the cement floor about 13 or so feet down. I was terrified that the tower would fall, or I would. It was hot, and I was sore, sweat dripped into my eyes.

The next day - my friend Jaymi can attest to this - we arrived in Goldendale, and I was exhausted, my eyes were swollen from the salty sweat and my limbs were like jello. Jaymi told me once that when she first met me she didn't thing we'd be very good friends because of how I acted in the state I was in. haha.

 
In 2007, when I bought my car I had my first full blown panic attack. I was at work when the panic attack struck. I literally could not breath, but I didn't tell anyone - I simply clocked out for my break and went to the dealership to try to return the car - one hour after I signed the papers. When I got home with my car - because they would not let me return it - I sat in the parking lot and simply focused on pulling myself together before I went into my apartment.

In 2008, when my heart was broken by my best friend, and betrayed by my visiting teacher - I sobbed for hours. I only had one roommate at the time, and we were not very close - so I didn't go to her. I called my mother that night and sobbed to her. I avoided all my other friends for days. In the weeks following I stopped answering phone calls, and only went to work then home.

2009, when I got into my own car wreck the only people I really talked to about the pain was my mom and my vocal coach. I had my own room at the time, so I could lock myself in my room and wallow in pain on my own.

There is a pattern here...do you see it?

Well...I realized today...that this pattern is perhaps not the most effective way of dealing with things. Ironic how the little things in life can help you see the big picture. haha.

I have been running...or jogging...and I have been trying to increase my time. Two weeks ago I ran 3 days totaling 14 miles! Last week I think I only ran once.

Yesterday, I decided I needed to continue to decrease my time, and increase my mileage. I actually ran quite a bit! I was so impressed. I got 4.5 miles in yesterday in under an hour. I pushed myself pretty hard - I ended up having to walk the last mile because I had pushed hard the previous 3.5. It was in this last mile stretch that I noticed a small pain in my right foot.

"Psh! That's nothing!" I thought.

Last night as I walked from the McAllister house to a house down the street that small nothing shot pain up the right side of my right foot.

It felt similar to when I sprained my ankle back in 2006...I'd stepped on the heel of an upside down stiletto and rolled my ankle off of it as I was on the phone walking around the house.

This morning, I'd resolved to run. I didn't feel the pain, so I strapped on my shoes, grabbed my ipod and headed out.

The first mile was awesome. I think I got between a 10 & 11 minute mile - which for me is pretty dang fast. I rested for 5 minutes after the first mile and then headed on! A half mile run later and I had to walk because I was out of breath...that's when I started feeling the pain come back. I didn't feel it when I was jogging, but I did when I was walking. I decided I could finish my run - the goal was 5 miles - as long as I ran and didn't walk. At 1.7 miles I was out of air and walked again - I was still making great time, but this time as I walked the pain started shooting up my ankle with every step. I couldn't get back into a run.

This is the point I should have turned back. I had a green park I could rest at for a few minutes and then I could simply turn around.

I have reached this point before, where I knew things were not going to turn out well, and I should have turned around and walked away.


When I was buying my car - I was looking at the numbers on the contract and they were much higher than we'd agreed upon (they added $2000 in fees). I could have stopped signing the paperwork until I'd figured things out.

But I didn't.

When the boy who broke my heart told me no the first time - that's the moment I should have walked away. I had another chance when we decided to "be official" for less than 24 hours...I should have walked away completely then.

But I didn't.

And I didn't turn around and go back today either.

I kept going.

I ended up jog/walking because it hurt to walk, and it hurt to full on run.
I reached the 2 mile mark and decided to rest for a minute. I retied my shoes hoping that would make a difference.

I almost went the last half mile...but when I got up to go I nearly fell over from the shooting pain - up and down the right side of my foot all the way up the tendon on the right side of my calf.

"Oh Dear!" I thought, "this could be bad."

I'd left my cell phone in my car, and not many people traveled this path at this time of day.

I started on the return trip. At this point I could no longer run, but the re-tied laces enabled me to walk back to the park that was at the 1.7 mile mark. I'd intended to rest, but all the benches I past were inhabited by other joggers, bikers, or the grounds keepers, so I kept walking. It hurt, but I could walk with minimal pain.

At the 1 mile mark I stopped in the shade just before a bridge...this was a mistake. Definitely...the wrong choice in a succession of wrong choices. (insert incredulous laugh here). When I went to walk again my whole right leg almost gave out. Where I'd stopped there were no benches - just that small patch of shade next to a railing. I had to hold to the railing and scootch myself back into the shade.

This is the point where I started worrying about getting back to my car - I still had a mile left and, my right leg would hold almost no weight!

Stupid, prideful, inhibited me - I stood there like everything was normal as a runner and a biker past. Did I ask for help. No.

I decided I'd better just get back to my car. I limped a few steps, then found if I lifted my heel a bit I could walk some without bringing too much attention to myself. In the next quarter mile - I was going to slow - another biker, and a police officer on a bike passed me. I was obviously limping - but they didn't stop and I didn't ask for help. I found a bench - I don't think it was even a quarter mile - and sat. I untied and retied my laces to see if that would help. I stood up. Then sat back down.

I don't really know how long I was there. I was passed by a marine and the police officer passed me again in that time...I was praying I would be able to make it back to my car - or that someone I knew would pass - and when the police officer passed, I should have said something.

After some time I got up and tiptoed - literally that was the only way I could walk - to the next landmark - a small patch of trees with a grassy knoll - I think this point I had about a half mile left to go. I stopped on the grass, and decided to take my shoes off to see if that would be better. mistake.
I waited there for a bit, then got up to move on, and as another person passed I went back to the grass and acted as if I had intentionally taken my shoes off in the middle of a run...for...fun...or...something like that.

When they'd passed I - in my socks - shoes in hand - limped down the roasting pavement. I don't think it was 30 yards before I hopped off the pavement and onto the grass. Mistake. This knoll of grass happened to have been watered recently because it soaked through my socks. I tried to get back to the pavement, but the heat of the sidewalk boiled my now wet feet.

I wasn't really discouraged - I was actually kind of laughing at how I always seem to get myself into these kinds of fixes, and that's!...when I realized the afore mentioned pattern.

I sat under a tree on the damp grass and stuck my damp, burned, and sore feet into my shoes. I got up resolved not to stop till I'd reached my car. (Another police officer past me between that tree and my car - I was severely limping - but he didn't stop, so I didn't ask.)

It took me less than 30 minutes (excluding my little break) to make it the first 2 miles. The return 2 miles took over 2 hours...oh...and I got sunburned.

I definitely think there is a lesson to be learned here...maybe a few.

When the time comes to abandon an endeavor - perhaps the return trip wouldn't be so painful if I didn't hang on for so long. haha.

Also...pride...yeah, it's not such a good thing. Communication, however is.

I love my life, and I am grateful for the experiences that help me to learn and grow!

Well. I hope you enjoyed this little story. Needless to say - it is a great possibility I will not be running for the rest of the week...but as soon as I can...I'll be back at it...I have a marathon to train for...

I don't know what marathon it is yet...but...my little sister and I have talked about doing the disney marathon for years, so...that is the goal!