Summer is well on it's way! It's even starting to feel like summer here in Rexburg...and there are SO many things I want to do before it's over...so here is the check list:
[x] Bonfire @ the Dunes
[x] Egin Lake
[ ] Playmill Theatre > 7 Brides or Beauty & Beast
[ ] Summer Music Festival - Jackson Hole
[ ] Drive in
[x] Caves
[x] Porter Park Water Fight
[x] Roommate Date night
[ ] Train for 1/2 marathon
[x] Visit with Aunts & Uncles
[x] See Toy Story 3 (SO GOOD!)
[ ] Zoo & Tauphus Park
[ ] Hike
[ ] Mesa Falls
[x] Monkey Rock
[x] well...
[ ] that's all I can think of for now...
[x] ...oh yeah, and school
Sunday, June 20, 2010
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
Dear AmyJo,
I have spent so much of my life...wishing...
...I wished to be popular,
I wished to be pretty,
I wished I could sing,
I wished I could be skinny,
I wished I could have my pick of the boys,
I wished I could be confident,
I wished he'd like me,
I wished anyone liked me,
I wished I didn't do that,
I wish I didn't care so much,
I wish I studied harder,
I wish I had understood better,
I wish I had listened,
I wish I had already graduated,
I wish I hadn't listened,
I wish I was faster,
I wish I could have more money,
I wish I had known.
I have spent so much time wishing that I could find future happiness instead of being happy right now. I have spent a lot of time hating myself for things I didn't have that I wish I did...I can't believe I have spent so much time worrying and wishing.
Now here I am. Single. 26. Still in school.
I am looking back at all the dreams I had when I was younger, and how much time I have spent worrying and wishing, and now I am left with nothing. I feel like I am too old to fight for what I want. That I just need to slip quietly into the hum drum of life, and keep wishing that things turn out happy.
How much time do I have to waste to realize that my life is my own?
While I do not always choose the path, I do choose the means of traveling.
I am facing another jury next week. This time is a little different - because of my injury I was not able to jury last semester, so this is a make up jury. As I think about it my lungs constrict and my heart beats faster...if I didn't care so much I might actually be confident enough to get a good score...isn't it funny how that works.
I feel like I put all of this imaginary pressure on myself.
I feel old, and "behind," not confident, not skilled. I worry that they will judge me based on what they know of me. You know what's funny...a lot of teachers think I don't have the skills I do because I hide them behind a curtain of doubt. (yeah. not that funny.) I don't want to hide anymore.
I am not going to look back and wish I did better. I am going to do better. I am going to be confident. I can't keep hiding behind wishes.
If I keep doing this I am never actually going to live my life.
(while I say this...I have not a clue in the world as to how to change my mindset, but life is about learning, and I will do it.)
Saturday, April 24, 2010
Amygdala
Today in school...I learned.
Isn't that refreshing to say. Sometimes I feel like school is simply regurgitation of information, and others...
Others are a testimony to me that the Lord knows the things I need to learn to better understand myself.
Sometimes I think stupid things...
Sometimes I say stupid things...
and often I spend a lot of time kicking myself for things I ought not have said.
I have on several occasions - especially those where I feel intimidated (which is a lot) - said things that I really didn't mean. Often things come out of my mouth completely distorted from what I intended to say...
Moments like this haunt my life...I probably think about them too often - But!
In class today we discussed the brain. There are three parts to the brain responsible for processing thought - the Brain Stem, the Amygdala, and the Frontal Cortex.
The frontal cortex is the only part of the brain that actually thinks, or uses reason. The Amygdala is responsible for emotion. The Brain stem is motor movements.
Thoughts have to pass though the Brain stem, and the Amygdala before they can reach reason. For instance - when you are in a panic situation - life and death - your instinct (Brain Stem) goes into action - and that is where thought stops. Everything that we do after that is instinct - not based on reason, not thought about. However, if you are able to get past the basic instinct to the Amygdala you still have to get that thought through the Amygdala to the frontal cortex before it can be reasoned with. Once it gets to the Amygdala, it can stop there, and then your reaction to whatever the situation is at the mercy of your emotions - for instance, you get up to bear your testimony, and all of a sudden you are so overcome with emotion that you simply forget what you had planned to say - that is your Amygdala stopping the thought process.
I am grateful that my brain stem, and Amygdala are functioning in their proper fashion. It is just good to know that although I am feeling more and more dyslexic, I am not mentally retarded, or incapable of getting past this hurdle.
I have let many a situation - especially performance wise - I can get past the brain stem, and then my emotions run crazy, and I am not able to perform/ sing to the range I am capable of - honestly, very few people have heard me sing to my full capacity because of this problem. Now I have a solution - I simply need to keep my Amygdala in check, calm and collected - and then I can do better. Amazing.
I already experimented with it in Women's Choir auditions, and it works like a charm...but as soon as my Amygdala starts interrupting things go downhill.
I don't know if I have presented this information in an understandable way, but I do know that I now have a tool I can use to better myself, as well as be a better teacher in the future.
amazing.
Isn't that refreshing to say. Sometimes I feel like school is simply regurgitation of information, and others...
Others are a testimony to me that the Lord knows the things I need to learn to better understand myself.
Sometimes I think stupid things...
Sometimes I say stupid things...
and often I spend a lot of time kicking myself for things I ought not have said.
I have on several occasions - especially those where I feel intimidated (which is a lot) - said things that I really didn't mean. Often things come out of my mouth completely distorted from what I intended to say...
Moments like this haunt my life...I probably think about them too often - But!
In class today we discussed the brain. There are three parts to the brain responsible for processing thought - the Brain Stem, the Amygdala, and the Frontal Cortex.
The frontal cortex is the only part of the brain that actually thinks, or uses reason. The Amygdala is responsible for emotion. The Brain stem is motor movements.
Thoughts have to pass though the Brain stem, and the Amygdala before they can reach reason. For instance - when you are in a panic situation - life and death - your instinct (Brain Stem) goes into action - and that is where thought stops. Everything that we do after that is instinct - not based on reason, not thought about. However, if you are able to get past the basic instinct to the Amygdala you still have to get that thought through the Amygdala to the frontal cortex before it can be reasoned with. Once it gets to the Amygdala, it can stop there, and then your reaction to whatever the situation is at the mercy of your emotions - for instance, you get up to bear your testimony, and all of a sudden you are so overcome with emotion that you simply forget what you had planned to say - that is your Amygdala stopping the thought process.
I am grateful that my brain stem, and Amygdala are functioning in their proper fashion. It is just good to know that although I am feeling more and more dyslexic, I am not mentally retarded, or incapable of getting past this hurdle.
I have let many a situation - especially performance wise - I can get past the brain stem, and then my emotions run crazy, and I am not able to perform/ sing to the range I am capable of - honestly, very few people have heard me sing to my full capacity because of this problem. Now I have a solution - I simply need to keep my Amygdala in check, calm and collected - and then I can do better. Amazing.
I already experimented with it in Women's Choir auditions, and it works like a charm...but as soon as my Amygdala starts interrupting things go downhill.
I don't know if I have presented this information in an understandable way, but I do know that I now have a tool I can use to better myself, as well as be a better teacher in the future.
amazing.
Sunday, April 11, 2010
Whirlwind week.
I cannot even begin to tell ya'll how crazy this week has been...
I have been slightly waylaid by my recent back issue and as a result I fell behind in most of my classes. This week was the dreaded finals week...and as you can imagine it was nothing less than a bucket of stress...
I spent most of the previous week working on assignments, and prepping for this week - during conference I worked on writing music for my musicianship class, and I worked on final papers for another class...pretty much every spare moment has been school work...then monday came...and it was like the rain cloud split open and it began to pour! I worked on assignments all day up till about 1:30am...then I woke up the next day at 6am to get what I hadn't finished done, and then rush to class, and repeat the same day with different assignments getting to bed by 12:30, and getting up at 6:30
...then wednesday I took breaks only to finish up packing my room - which I can tell you now from experience - if you have back problems, even if they have seemed to coll down a little - moving can make them a whole heck of a lot worse...and that night I didn't sleep at all - I worked though the night on papers and projects...every several hours my brain would get fried...so I would take a few seconds and update my facebook status, and then go right back to work...I did take a few moments to scrub out drawers, and clean the shower
...thursday I finished most everything at about 8am, and then took out my book to study for a music history final at 10:30 - I showered just to wake myself up, and then went to the copy shop to get my project bound. I must have not been comprehending things right at that point - it was about noon at that time and I was going on 30 hours of no sleep - but the girl went behind the room divider and started talking about me. She apparently thought I looked at her like she was stupid, and was offended because of it - I had no idea that's the impression I gave as I was trying to explain what I needed. haha. Now that I look back at it, I just think it was silly...she had no idea that I heard her conversation - I thought about letting her know that it was rude, or writing in a letter, but I was so focused on getting what I needed to done that I simply left. I turned in assignments, and went to take my last final...which I bombed, but I was so happy that I had passed the Music History one earlier that I didn't even care.
I went home and shoved what was left of my stuff (with the help of a friend - at that point my back was hurting as bad as it did when I first got into the accident, and I was weak, the only think I'd eaten was a cookie my teacher brought to soften the blow of the final)...We were supposed to be on the road by 1pm, because we had a rider who was meeting his parents, and at that point it was 3, and I had been going non stop for 33 hours, with only 11 hours of sleep for the previous two days combined.
I hopped in the car (probably not good to drive in the state I was in, but somehow I made it alive) we drove to Idaho Falls where I parked my car, and hopped into Mike's car - I remember blackfoot, and then suddenly we were passing Mountain Home, and in an instant we were in Baker city...I am telling you the trip has never seemed so short!
I got a call from a roommate on the way home...apparently they didn't think that I did a good enough job on my clean check, and wanted me to call the office and let them know. haha...the only thing I could do about it now is laugh, and say I did the very best I could.
When I got home it wasn't over - although I was able to sleep a little, we hopped in the car and went to The Dalles to get things for the Baby Shower I was in charge of Saturday - I pretty much spent the whole day working on tying up loose ends for that - I really wanted it to turn out well - it was for a very dear friend of mine who is having her 1st! And I actually think the shower was a great success! Which was a relief, I had been planning games and things for it over the last few months, and it all came together pretty well.
I then came home, and officially crashed...then I got up wrote 1 last paper, and finished up a couple of assignments
...then I took a minute to write this blog...my sleeping schedule is all messed up now...so it's currently 2am. The point of all this...is that I discovered how much we are really capable of. We can despite pain, and frustration, and stress, and frustration, and complication, and...frustration...we can make it through. I really feel like this week I could not have done nearly as much as I did without divine assistance. With the Lord's help we are capable of moving not only hypothetical mountains, but literal ones - With His help, we can do anything.
I have been slightly waylaid by my recent back issue and as a result I fell behind in most of my classes. This week was the dreaded finals week...and as you can imagine it was nothing less than a bucket of stress...
I spent most of the previous week working on assignments, and prepping for this week - during conference I worked on writing music for my musicianship class, and I worked on final papers for another class...pretty much every spare moment has been school work...then monday came...and it was like the rain cloud split open and it began to pour! I worked on assignments all day up till about 1:30am...then I woke up the next day at 6am to get what I hadn't finished done, and then rush to class, and repeat the same day with different assignments getting to bed by 12:30, and getting up at 6:30
...then wednesday I took breaks only to finish up packing my room - which I can tell you now from experience - if you have back problems, even if they have seemed to coll down a little - moving can make them a whole heck of a lot worse...and that night I didn't sleep at all - I worked though the night on papers and projects...every several hours my brain would get fried...so I would take a few seconds and update my facebook status, and then go right back to work...I did take a few moments to scrub out drawers, and clean the shower
...thursday I finished most everything at about 8am, and then took out my book to study for a music history final at 10:30 - I showered just to wake myself up, and then went to the copy shop to get my project bound. I must have not been comprehending things right at that point - it was about noon at that time and I was going on 30 hours of no sleep - but the girl went behind the room divider and started talking about me. She apparently thought I looked at her like she was stupid, and was offended because of it - I had no idea that's the impression I gave as I was trying to explain what I needed. haha. Now that I look back at it, I just think it was silly...she had no idea that I heard her conversation - I thought about letting her know that it was rude, or writing in a letter, but I was so focused on getting what I needed to done that I simply left. I turned in assignments, and went to take my last final...which I bombed, but I was so happy that I had passed the Music History one earlier that I didn't even care.
I went home and shoved what was left of my stuff (with the help of a friend - at that point my back was hurting as bad as it did when I first got into the accident, and I was weak, the only think I'd eaten was a cookie my teacher brought to soften the blow of the final)...We were supposed to be on the road by 1pm, because we had a rider who was meeting his parents, and at that point it was 3, and I had been going non stop for 33 hours, with only 11 hours of sleep for the previous two days combined.
I hopped in the car (probably not good to drive in the state I was in, but somehow I made it alive) we drove to Idaho Falls where I parked my car, and hopped into Mike's car - I remember blackfoot, and then suddenly we were passing Mountain Home, and in an instant we were in Baker city...I am telling you the trip has never seemed so short!
I got a call from a roommate on the way home...apparently they didn't think that I did a good enough job on my clean check, and wanted me to call the office and let them know. haha...the only thing I could do about it now is laugh, and say I did the very best I could.
When I got home it wasn't over - although I was able to sleep a little, we hopped in the car and went to The Dalles to get things for the Baby Shower I was in charge of Saturday - I pretty much spent the whole day working on tying up loose ends for that - I really wanted it to turn out well - it was for a very dear friend of mine who is having her 1st! And I actually think the shower was a great success! Which was a relief, I had been planning games and things for it over the last few months, and it all came together pretty well.
I then came home, and officially crashed...then I got up wrote 1 last paper, and finished up a couple of assignments
...then I took a minute to write this blog...my sleeping schedule is all messed up now...so it's currently 2am. The point of all this...is that I discovered how much we are really capable of. We can despite pain, and frustration, and stress, and frustration, and complication, and...frustration...we can make it through. I really feel like this week I could not have done nearly as much as I did without divine assistance. With the Lord's help we are capable of moving not only hypothetical mountains, but literal ones - With His help, we can do anything.
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