Meeting McLean. 2011.

The first time my mother asked me to learn a specific song I was in high school. She gave me this Michael McLean CD, and asked me to learn "Safe Harbors." I remember thinking how I hated the singer of the song, and how I would try to do it "so much better." I remember thinking, why? Why would my mother think that I needed to learn THIS song. At the time there was no specific performance on the horizon, so I was unmotivated to learn it, but she kept asking - how is that song going? Over the years as I have sung this song over and over, more and more it changes into one of my favorite songs to sing. It has set deep roots into my heart and I often think of it as I set sail into the storms of life.

I have performed this song many times - probably more than any other song I know. I sang it in high school. I sang it in one of my first vocal classes at BYU-Idaho. I sang it at a talent show when I worked for Disney World, and the management asked me to sing it at our Christmas party. I sang it at family events several times. I sang it several years in a row for the Christmas Nativity event in Goldendale. I have sung it hundreds of times for my very special mother, who cries every time - even when she knows it's not my best. I sang it for my grandparents, and both of them cried.

This song is one of the reasons I decided that I loved to perform - if you know me you know that I have developed...or maybe I always had it...but I have a terrible time with stage fright. At one point I was convinced that I'd made a huge mistake in choosing to perform because of this stage fright - but this song touched people's hearts. That is what i love most about performing.

So, on December 12th I'd planned to attend the Forgotten Carols for the first time. I'd heard great things, and I was actually extremely excited because of this connection I'd had with some of Michael McLean's music. It was the Monday after Mindy's wedding, so I was coming down from that excitement high as well - so the fact that I would get to see Michael McLean was just icing on the cake, and some of my students told me that he usually dropped by the choir room before the performance, so the likelihood that I would actually get to meet him was very high.

Well, I was helping out at the school, and we needed to go get supplies for the concessions. We were actually talking about Forgotten Carols while we were in Costco. As we were heading out the door, Cecil said, "speak of the devil" - mind you I really had no idea what Michael McLean even looked like...so I looked around and thought to myself, "what are you talking about?" He waved to another guy who was sitting in the Costco cafe area eating a hot dog. Then Michael McLean came and talked to us about some of his ideas for future shows, and about the show that night, and the whole time I was thinking to myself, "is this who I think it is?" Of course by the time he started talking about the show and such, I'd figured out who we were talking to...I wanted to thank him for a song that changed my life...and guided some of the major decisions that I'd made...and helped me to (in a very small way) change the lives of others, but I knew that turning all star struck...would probably be a bad thing...strike that - it's definitely not professional...so I didn't.

I did, however on the way out have a geek moment - and said to Cecil, "we just talked with Michael McLean - that...was Michael McLean!" haha. Now that I look back, I really do feel like a geek.

Michael did come and say "Hi" to the choir before the performance, but it was brief, and not as personal as the meeting in Costco.

I went to the show, and watched from the audience as the story unfolded of the Forgotten Carols...and something struck me - at that moment I was not so excited about seeing Michael as I was about seeing my choir students perform onstage in this production. My students have taught me so much, but most of all they have helped me reconfirm that my decision to be a music teacher was the right one - a decision I made because of the opportunities that came from a song my mother asked me to learn. I have learned that being a teacher sometimes means that part of my job is providing a safe harbor - a safe environment away from the storms of life, in which students can feel free to learn and grow and express life through music, and learn that they can touch the lives of others. I love being a music teacher - while sometimes it might be hard, it is always worth it.

Turning Tables. Teaching.

I have recently Grown to LOVE the song Turning Tables by Adele. I think the reason for this possibly might have something to do with me listening to it a zillion times (itunes says only 58 in the last month, but I think they lie), but I think, honestly there is something more. I created my own arrangement for the piece, which I actually love...and it's the first time I've arranged something for a purpose that wasn't educational...If I wasn't so darn slow at it, I would do it more often. The reason I put together an arrangement, was because a student of mine asked if I would help her with the song, and all the arrangements I found...were insufficient to what the song really needs.

I can't say how rewarding it is to work with students. To see them progress. It makes me want to progress, and refine my own skills as a teacher. I love the moments when the light goes on in their eyes, I love to hear the progression in their voice. Nothing is more flattering a compliment than another person telling my how much my student has improved.

While I feel strongly that being a teacher is stressful on multiples levels...and sometimes I complain about experiences I have - being difficult because I am so inexperienced, I am so grateful that I don't feel like I'm on a turn table anymore. I am certain that teaching was the right thing for me to do...I have doubted myself along this road I have chosen to take, and I have doubted that I would ever be able to live up to the promptings that I have had to become such. I still doubt my skills as a teacher...on almost a daily basis, but that doubt provides me with the motivation to become better - to work harder so that I can truly change lives.

In High School, I thought it was naive of me to have the desire to change lives. As I have been guided to this path I have realized that by being a teacher I have a deep influence upon my students - whether for good or ill, and I have decided that I never want to be the kind of teacher who teaches this job like a job - because then you lose sight of what is truly important. These are the lives of young people, and while they have their agency to chose whatever they will, I always want to be the kind of teacher that will provide a positive and impactful learning environment.

I wrote in one of my papers in college that I want to be the kind of teacher that is not remembered, and that is true. I didn't understand at the time (I really say this a lot) that I do truly feel like I don't care if my students remember my name, but I do want them to remember the things they learned from being in my classroom - I want them to learn to love life and to appreciate music and each other. I think that overall that is my main objective as a teacher...Possibly the heading of my lesson plans for the rest of my life.

Journaling.

So I had a conversation the other night about Journaling... I have felt for a while that I need to make sure I journal some of the major events that I participated in last year...and the conversation just reaffirmed this feeling that I've been getting. I like writing in my journal, but I thought it might be good to place a few of the stories here. Complete the picture of things from my perspective.

Last year was awful and wonderful and amazing all at the same time. I have never had so many life changing moments packed into one year...and it's only in retrospect that I understand the depth of what really happened in 2011.

I wanted to prelude and apologize now for anything I should have left in my journal that might be offensive...I hope that anyone reading can just understand that this is all just things from my perception as they happened...not necessarily as they really were...but I hope that by sharing things from my own perspective that whoever reads this gets a little better idea of who I am, and why I have made the decisions I have.

My first Journal entry comes from a letter that I wrote to a good friend named LaRell. As soon as Mindy announced that she was engaged a large target was painted on my forehead...it said "single"...and it must have said it pretty darn loud because it seemed like the moment Mindy's announcement was made people came in from all corners to set me up. It's like everyone all of a sudden decided it was high time I got married too. Where were you all earlier...I have been single for years...and I would have loved to give it up long ago...and we all know how good I am at setting my self up.

I have always said I am a very dependent person living an independent lifestyle...but that is a story for another day...long story short Aunt Becky and Uncle Dale passed my name to a guy who has become a great friend to me. I started writing him just before I moved in with Grandma and Grandpa this summer. I am so grateful for LaRell because he gave me the opportunity to write about things that were happening in my life that I felt like I couldn't talk to anyone else about...I don't know if he even knows how much I needed that when we wrote. For awhile we wrote every other day, or so...anyway, in April I moved in with Grandma and Grandpa. I knew that my grandma was not in good conditions, but i didn't realize until I moved in the breadth of it all. I remember that almost all of April, May, and even into June I prepared myself for the worst, and prayed like I'd never prayed before for the best. I felt like if I lost her while I was living there that somehow my family would look at me as being an unfit caretaker...I thought deep down that they would never look at me the same again...I would never look at me the same again.

This passage I wrote to LaRell on April 22nd. 4 days before she went into surgery...on my birthday I have added some things that I remembered in more detail as I was reading though this. I remember as I wrote these things I couldn't contain my tears, I was at a loss as to what to do. This is the first time I wrote him about what was going on:

"Living here with my grandparents has been incredibly stressful, but writing this week has given me something to really look forward to. I will tell you more about my car accident & other things tomorrow, but like I said...today has just been crazy. My Grandma is not doing that well. She broke her pelvis on Christmas day. She spent all of January in the hospital recovering, and then they sent her home...she was doing so good, and then her back started to deteriorate, and they have recently put cement on her spine. Since she's been home from the hospital she hasn't' had much of a appetite. (In fact I worry that she's not eating at all.

I bought her some Cafe Rio, because a few weeks ago she loved it, but she hardly had a bite...I can't find anything she wants to eat. I buy her Mounds because I know she eats them.) She is on some pretty heavy pills...and when i say some...i mean 15 different medications. I think I moved in here on the 6th or 7th.

I am living in a corner of a room, I sleep on a mattress on the floor. I feel like I am almost an intruder in her home, sometimes I wonder if my grandparents want me there at all. I talked with my mom, and she said it might be because it brings home the reality of the situation.

On the 13th I took her to the doctor because her legs were swelling, she wasn't eating, she was falling asleep mid sentence. I asked her if she'd wanted to go to the emergency, but she refused because in a previous experience she'd gone and waited for hours to receive help. When she was at the Doctor's she said she was nauseous, and if I remember right she even dry heaved into the garbage... I think it was the stress of the situation on top of the other things she was going though.

I took her home and as soon as we got home from the doctor that day she started throwing up, and pretty much threw up all night. I kept asking to take her to the hospital, but she refused. I took up watch on the couch, and stayed up as long as I could. Her poor back has been hurting her so much that she doesn't sleep on her bed, she sleeps in this rickety old chair that I got at DI. She won't even sit in the recliner. I fell in and out of sleep as the night wore on. I woke up to clean the vomit and refresh the bucket, and to ask again. At 2 in the morning she let me call the ambulance, and she was admitted to the hospital. They came into the house, and gave her some nausea shots. As they lifted her onto the stretcher she cried out as I'd never heard before. My own body was shaking. I went to grandpa's room and told him I was taking grandma to the emergency. He bolted up in his bed...I had to remain calm and be strong for him, so I calmed him and told him I would let him know as soon as I found out anything. As soon as Grandma was in the ambulance, I called my mom, hopped in my car and headed for the emergency room. Because of the medication she was able to calm down and get some sleep. They took her blood, and I waited with a barf bag in my hand ready to spring to action. As Grandma was sitting there she clutched my hand. I told her through forced bravery that it was going to be okay, and I prayed with all my heart that it would be. When she drifted off to sleep I drifted to a plastic chair and leaned my head against the wall and I was out. Several hours later I woke to a nurse telling me that they were going to admit her to the hospital. the nurse told me it would still be a little bit before they were able to move her. I called my mother gave her an update and fell back asleep against the wall. (Mind you, I'd been in a car accident a year previous, and the repercussions on my back were being felt in full force) I also remember thinking that I looked myself like a piece of work...I didn't wash off my makeup from the night before, so it was smeared all over my face, and my hair was...well...bad. Finally they came and took us up to a room...and bless them they brought warm blankets...seeing as how I am...er...was inexperienced with the ways of the hospital, and didn't think to bring anything for myself except...I'd put a large bag of skittles in my purse the day before, and they were still there when I got to the hospital. The chair I slept in in her new room let you lay down, but raised your feet high above your head, so I woke many times with numb feet. I would jolt up when the doctor came in, and then make some calls with info, and then try to get sleep. Aunt Sandy and Natalie came in later that day, and I was so grateful...I had off and on only a few hours of sporatic sleep and only skittles to eat all day...which by the way, skittles in that number on an empty stomach...are gross. (I think the next time I had skittles was really probably Christmas of 2011, although I purchased some for Mindy's Bachelorette...and now I remember why I had a queasy feeling in my stomach when I purchased them.)

Anyway, I was in the hospital with her till the 16th and then she came home...they found a large ulcer - probably caused by the pills she's on and the empty stomach. She was doing really good at first and then she just day by day got worse. So she went to a back doctor, and she's scheduled for a surgery on monday (this is really the reader's digest version[ish])...So today, I got a call from my cousin Natalie, who took her to the back doctor yesterday, and she said that the blood tests came back abnormal so they wanted my grandma to go into the doctor to get checked out so she could be approved for surgery monday. She said they called her doctor and wanted her in by 10:30...I was able to get her out to my car, and in the doctor's office by 10:15...mistake...we waited in the waiting room for an hour then we waited in the patient room for another hour, and finally the doctor came in. By that time I asked Natalie to come be with us because I needed to run to Rexburg to a class today...and I was already cutting it close. So because of the state of things Natalie and I had decided that we were going to ask the doctor to admit my grandma to the hospital until Monday when they can do the surgery. Several times today my grandma has broken down in tears. I was helping her out in the restroom because she has such a hard time. She almost fell over when she was getting up, and I caught her. She leaned over and started crying...she said to me, "I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry" I told her there was nothing to be sorry about. My strength broke and I wiped my own tears before anyone saw, and put on my brave face. I have really been trying to keep it together, but It's been difficult...It breaks my heart to see her in so much pain.

I feel selfish in even asking for this now, but for the last few months I have been so scared to loose her. My other grandma is going through a rough time too...and I really hoped that they would be able to meet whoever I was going to marry. It's not really on my bucket list, but I'd always imagined myself bringing my family here to meet my grandparents. Not my parents and siblings...but my family...my husband and my children. - At the time I was praying that if my Grandparents couldn't see my children, at least let me find my husband so he can meet them. I still pray that one day, hopefully soon, I can introduce him to my beloved grandparents - This is something I have wanted for a long time, and I know I should be patient for these things, and I have really tried, but I feel like I'm running out of time. I don't know if Nanette ever taught you to play 10,000, but it's kind of a family game...and it's stupid, but I imagined being able to bring my fiance or husband over and play with my grandma, and now I'm not sure that I will get that chance.

My Grandma is in so much pain...all the time... that I feel like it's not fair...it's selfish for me to ask anymore for her to stay here and take all the pain. I can't stand the thought of losing her, but I can't stand the thought of her in so much pain...It truly breaks my heart.

I'm so sorry to gush like this...like I said...it's been a crazy day. So, my perspective on what I want most has changed so much in the last little while...that here's my answer to the million dollar question(He'd asked me what I would do with a million dollars). A million dollars can't buy me what I want most. I think I could live frugal the rest of my life and be happy. I don't need a million dollars. In fact I was writing down the things I would get...and I could only figure out how to spend just over half. Sure, It would be nice to have a fancy car, and a really sweet house, but I would want to spend the money on things that matter. I'd like to rid myself of my school debt. I feel like that is a big weight to carry, plus when you have debt you are not in the position to help other people. I wouldn't mind using some to help further my education, but it's not necessary I can earn that... I'd like to get my teeth fixed, they have been giving me grief for some time, between my back and my jaw this year has been... I'd probably pay off my car, and buy a home, but not something over extravagant, because I just don't need it. I would want my parents to get out of most of their debt, and I'd put away some for when we all get old. I would pay my grandparents medical bills, and buy my grandma a really nice chair...nothing from DI. I would really like to spend some of it producing an vocal album...I have always wanted to. I love to sing for people, because it makes them happy. I would put away $ for my younger brothers to go on a mission...I am sure anyone would have a hard time paying for two missions at the same time, and my little sister needs an opportunity to get a good education without the kinds of stress that I went though. Then depending on how I got the million...there's tithing too. Whatever's left I would find a way to give to those in need. There are so many people in need... so many people who honestly have nothing, I couldn't keep it. Like I said, I can work and earn money. I once ran across a plaque that said, "Live simply, so that others can simply live." I have learned recently about the widow's might...I always knew the story, but I feel like I understand it. Everything we've been given is a gift and why keep it to ourselves...all good things should be shared.

...that's not quite how I intended on answering that question at the beginning of this letter, but... it is how I feel." - April 22, 2011

Resolutions. Absolutions.

New Year's Eve...I had a brilliant plan that I was going to be a watertarian and give up soda for the whole year. It is something I've been wanting to do for some time, but I lack motivation to do such things on my own. So I roped 2.5 of my siblings (Mindy, Elena, and Sean) into joining me in the 2012 Soda purge. I feel I have seen this last year first had the effects of soda on the body, not that soda was the only cause, but I feel it might be a major factor. Not only does soda cause bone deterioration, but it corrodes the enamel on your teeth, and increases dehydration. I am hoping that by the end of this year, I'll have made it such a habit that I can give it up.

I talked with my sister about the addictive qualities of soda, and she said in moderation she feels it is fine. My feelings on the matter are much the same as my feelings on other addictive substances. If you know you are addicted to alcohol per say, then you wouldn't try to drink it in moderation, because you know that you have that addictive tendency...so you would avoid the substance completely...well...I think that is the stage soda and I have come to. I have had bouts in my past where I had soda on a daily basis, and I feel that many of my dental problems are a result. So...since I have a blog...and can log my progress...I will let you know how the experiment goes:

Day 13/365 - No Soda - It's been 14 days. Two weeks down... The withdraws are starting to die down as I feel the carbonation being cleansed from my system. So far...there are no other side effects. There has been only one incident to date...er...two...ish...that I can remember being tempted by the..er...soda cravings. Mostly it's reversing habit. It's actually very interesting, because my sugar cravings have lessened...and while I desire for chocolate, I wonder if that too is more mental than physical. It is yet to be determined whether that is connected to soda or not. I do have more energy when I don't drink soda...that is one for sure thing.