5 random things about me:

1. I love applesauce. Maybe more than chocolate. Seriously.
2. Ever since the summer of '07 I despise sleeping in the dark.
3. My favorite board game is Robo Rally.
4. I like swirl ice cream. It reminds me of Zebras.
5. The peter pan ride is my favorite at disney world.

When you lose your life, you find it.

Never been kissed is one of my favorite 90s shows...with Drew Barrymore. Her character is someone I feel like I can relate to. In Elementary & Jr. High, I was the one to be made fun of, and even into High School somewhat. I don't think anyone gets out of school without being made fun of at one point or another, but like the character in the movie - I took it personally.

Even so, I never thought that I would be in the same situation as the character in the movie at my age. While I am not posing as a student, I have returned to High School as a teacher...and...I have never been kissed.

"That thing, that moment, when you kiss someone and everything around becomes hazy and the only thing in focus is you and this person and you realize that that person is the only person that you're supposed to kiss for the rest of your life, and for one moment you get this amazing gift and you want to laugh and you want to cry because you feel so lucky that you found it and so scared that that it will go away all at the same time."

For so long, I have felt a great deal of the insecurities that Josie felt in the movie. Mostly related to weight. Since I can remember, I have just considered myself heavy. Because of stress in my younger years, I started eating more than needed, and then because of teasing I started dieting at 11 or 12. I have pretty much been "working on weight" ever since. I have held myself back because of my poor self perception.

Sometimes, I wonder if the moment will come. If someday, will my prince come? Er...maybe when is the right question. I am not filled with regret for kissing the wrong someone, and I am not remorseful for waiting. I have come to trust in the Lord's timing, and I am not worried, or stressed about when...but I do wonder.

Returning to High School has been quite an eye opening experience for me. Seeing high school, the days I have for so long tried to forget, from this perspective has changed my outlook of life completely. I see myself in each of my students, and I long for them to not make the same mistakes that I did.

I am actually very happy with my life thus far...the only regret I have is holding so tightly to the weight related anxiety, and thinking I was not worthy of wholesome relationships because of my appearance. So many kids these days grow up in fear of what other people think. Why? Why do we depend on other people to dictate who we are. We give up our agency when we let our perception of ourselves be dependent upon the opinions of others.

As I have realized this my perception of myself has changed. There were a few instances during my student teaching - one student asked me if I had stage fright...the answer was yes - then I had to reanalyze why. Why do I have stage fright? Well, at that point I was worried about my grade, but other times I WAS worried about what other people would think...and then I think stage fright became a habit.

I have noticed that as I have made this realization of the student's perception of me, my perception of myself has altered. I started to act like I was confident, I allowed myself to make mistakes in front of people...

I'd like to say that I'm actually confident, but I don't think I am... I have, however stopped worrying so much about myself, and I have started concentrating on whether or not my students are learning. As my worries have been pointed in a new direction I have also noticed that I am actually becoming happier...and yeah...maybe even a little more confident.

Through this experience I have come to really grasp what C.S. Lewis was talking about when he said, “Your real, new self will not come as long as you are looking for it. It will come when you are looking for Him. Does that sound strange? The same principle holds, you know, for more everyday matters. Even in social life, you will never make a good impression on other people until you stop thinking about what sort of impression you are making. Even in literature and art, no man who bothers about originality will ever be original whereas if you simply try to tell the truth (without caring twopence how often it has been told before) you will, nine times out of ten, become original without ever having noticed it. The principle runs through all life from top to bottom, Give up yourself, and you will find your real self. Lose your life and you will save it. Submit to death, death of your ambitions and favorite wishes every day and death of your whole body in the end submit with every fiber of your being, and you will find eternal life. Keep back nothing. Nothing that you have not given away will be really yours. Nothing in you that has not died will ever be raised from the dead. Look for yourself, and you will find in the long run only hatred, loneliness, despair, rage, ruin, and decay. But look for Christ and you will find Him, and with Him everything else thrown in.”
― C.S. Lewis, Mere Christianity

At the beginning of the school year I told my cousins that everyone feels insecure at some point or another. This is true. I also told them that if they just pretend to be confident, then no one will notice that they are feeling insecure. Also true. What I didn't realize is that I needed to apply this concept to myself. I regret holding back...I wish I would have realized that I simply needed to let go earlier. I wish I would have allowed myself to make mistakes and look a little ridiculous in front of people earlier.

Well, you might be wondering what this has to do with kissing...well...I will tell you.

I wish I had been confident sooner (I still wish I was more confident now...haha it's a process). I wish I hadn't been so afraid of making relationships, and so afraid of being open to failure. If I had been a little more open to people maybe I would have been kissed earlier - but all those chances I had to kiss someone I drew away. I avoided it, not because I didn't want them, or the kiss, but because I was afraid.

In fact...I might've not had to spend so many years waiting for the right person to find me. How could he have found me when I've been hiding?

(not to say that I actually would have found him faster, but I do think that this concept is something I needed to understand)

These are a few of my favorite things.

I love to quote...in fact some quotes stay with me, and seem to come to my mind when I need them most. You know those last few pages of your scriptures that are simply blank pages? When I hear a wonderful quote that really inspires me I try to write it on those pages. I can go for months at a time without writing anything on my quote pages. I was sitting in church, not last week but the week before and I flipped to these pages - sometimes I forget the good things that are there...I thought it might be fun to share some of those.

"Remember that the heavens will not be filled with those who made no mistakes, but those who realized that they were off course" - President Uchtdorf April 2008

"Worry is believing that outcome will be bad. Faith is believing the outcome will be good. Faith in God is knowing that whatever the outcome, it will be for your good." - As quoted per Marie Epps

"When you are too busy worrying, nothing gets done" - Anonymous

"The Lord finds it easier to guide us when we are already on the move" - Unknown

"Remembering who we are changes what we do" - Elder Bednar

"Humility isn't thinking less of yourself, it is thinking of yourself Less"

"I can see no good reason why the Lord would open doors that we are not prepared to enter" - President Spencer W. Kimball

"If ye have faith enough to move mountains, don't be surprised if the Lord hands you a shovel" - Unknown

"Decisions determine destiny" - President Monson

"Adversity is the chisel the Lord uses to shape our lives"

Hope that at least one will brighten your day!

I've been thinking.

Well...I have. believe it or not.

I've been thinking over what I might journal next, and I have a list... but my mind isn't ready to wrap itself around anything on that 2011 list while it's so involved in trying to figure out 2012.

I had the privilege to go to the Salt Lake temple for the very first time yesterday to a live session. Most of what I learned is too personal to put here, but I just wanted to put a share thoughts - Jenny and I went, and funny story - we'd both been planning to maybe go Thursday - but not together, and somehow both of our plans fell through, so we decided upon yesterday afternoon. Thursday I was planning to just go to the Jordan River. I am pretty sure it was one of those tender mercies that the Lord has so graciously provided for me. He knew how much I'd wanted to go to a live session, and how afraid I was of going there alone. I've been to every other local temple in the last several months except the Salt Lake, because I knew how large it was, and I was scared of going by myself.

Ever since Mindy's wedding, when she was sealed in the beautiful Portland temple, every time I go to the temple I am reminded again that I haven't yet found my help meet. (I cannot tell you how many times people have said to me recently "you'll find him.") All last year there were constant reminders (yes...I know...I haven't found him yet. thanks for again letting me know - haha). I started to doubt - but as I attend the temple my doubts fade and my trust grows. I know, I know he's out there... I actually don't mind so much life with out him right now except for instance the little moment I crave to share with someone - like my first time in the SLC temple - so, somehow the Lord knew my desires, and Jenny answered my prayer. A prayer I'd given up hope of getting answered anytime soon.

I feel so much a part of the McAllister family - I cannot say how thankful I am for them letting me be a part of their family, and taking away some of the loneliness that has been with me for some time. Another tender mercy of the Lord answered by the McAllisters.




...I don't know how many people know this, but over the past several years I've struggled with depression...I think I actually have battled it back and forth on my own since my mid-high school years - it finally got to the point where I sought a counselor at the school because I felt like I'd lost control. There were days when I woke up, got ready for school, and stopped to look in the mirror - I literally felt nauseated - I changed and changed and finally decided that day that I would not be going anywhere, so I'd go back to bed...There were other things too...some days my heart would literally ache. I don't deal with stress very well sometimes, so when I'm more stressed it gets worse.

I think I've dealt with depression on some level since I was about 11 or 12 - worse at times in Florida - pretty bad when I lost my hair...some of my hair loss might have been caused by it - it reached a climax when I lived in Provo - I don't think I was quite out of the woods yet when I was telling people that I was fine - so...

when I got into my car accident, and was dealing with pain every day from the injuries, I took a downward spin. Before when I'd experienced it, I'd always felt like I'd had some level of control - like I had a choice at some point to turn around and decide to be happy, but somewhere along the line I lost my grip on that control. I don't know when or what caused me to loose grip, but it scared me very much - the thoughts I had, and the feelings I felt - even some of the choices I made. It's almost like being on a merry-go-round feeling sea sick, and not finding the steadiness to jump off because I'd been on for too long.

I remember the day - going back and hiding under the covers until I heard each of my roommates leave. I went out and sat on the couch and just cried. I knew I needed help - I knew the signs of depression I'd just ignored that I had them, everyone I think has some every once in awhile - but at that point I had too many - more than I knew how to handle. The day I realized I'd never graduate in that condition...that day on the couch...that's the day I made the appointment. I met with a counselor for what felt like just a weekly sob fest. Oh, some days I was terrified to go, because I knew that I would end up crying. Sometimes I felt like it was his goal to get me to cry. He told me that my thoughts were distorted, and that I was not very balanced. Oh if he only knew!!! If he only knew...but, I think I remember he did - early in the sessions - remind me to pray and go to church - I hadn't been able to sit through very much church - or very much of anything because of the back pain...I made it a challenge - I challenged myself to go to all sessions of church regardless of the back pain.

I turned to what had once been my source of light and balance while on my previous sunken ships. I turned toward the temple, and started going again more often. Something I'd neglected, because sitting for that long was hard on my back. It's still not easy to sit that long without pain.

My last meeting with my counselor was in January 2011. I'd like to give him credit, because he did listen to me - he listened to my deep dark fears, but he didn't take them away - but I feel the the Lord did. As I attended the temple last year prayers were answered...It's definitely not like my life was any less stressful - definitely not - but somewhere early last year it was like someone flipped a switch, and I was suddenly able to deal with the stress. Not only that, I had a breakthrough with my voice - something just clicked into place. I stopped internalizing my failures, and started looking at them as stepping stones for learning how to succeed. Things that I'd prayed for for years all of a sudden were right before me. I learned that my voice teacher had put my name in the temple. She knew much of what my family was going through at the time - and she felt inclined to put my name in the temple. I'd no idea of this until after, I only knew that I'd felt a physical change in my life, and I was expressing these changes to her when she told me of the tender mercy. Prayers are answered in the temple.

In His temples there is balance, and true beauty. There is love and hope and especially peace. Every time I have an especially bad day(week) I know I can go there and find the peace my soul longs for. I feel a special connection with temples - I know that there my prayers are answered...I feel that in the temple I can ask for the things I desire the most regardless of how silly they seem...when I go, my answers are more direct - or maybe it's that become better in tune and can hear them better... It is in the temple that I have come to understand how much the Lord truly knows my heart - He knows me, and yesterday was no exception. Yesterday was answers to my small prayers.