These are a few of my favorite things.

I love to quote...in fact some quotes stay with me, and seem to come to my mind when I need them most. You know those last few pages of your scriptures that are simply blank pages? When I hear a wonderful quote that really inspires me I try to write it on those pages. I can go for months at a time without writing anything on my quote pages. I was sitting in church, not last week but the week before and I flipped to these pages - sometimes I forget the good things that are there...I thought it might be fun to share some of those.

"Remember that the heavens will not be filled with those who made no mistakes, but those who realized that they were off course" - President Uchtdorf April 2008

"Worry is believing that outcome will be bad. Faith is believing the outcome will be good. Faith in God is knowing that whatever the outcome, it will be for your good." - As quoted per Marie Epps

"When you are too busy worrying, nothing gets done" - Anonymous

"The Lord finds it easier to guide us when we are already on the move" - Unknown

"Remembering who we are changes what we do" - Elder Bednar

"Humility isn't thinking less of yourself, it is thinking of yourself Less"

"I can see no good reason why the Lord would open doors that we are not prepared to enter" - President Spencer W. Kimball

"If ye have faith enough to move mountains, don't be surprised if the Lord hands you a shovel" - Unknown

"Decisions determine destiny" - President Monson

"Adversity is the chisel the Lord uses to shape our lives"

Hope that at least one will brighten your day!

I've been thinking.

Well...I have. believe it or not.

I've been thinking over what I might journal next, and I have a list... but my mind isn't ready to wrap itself around anything on that 2011 list while it's so involved in trying to figure out 2012.

I had the privilege to go to the Salt Lake temple for the very first time yesterday to a live session. Most of what I learned is too personal to put here, but I just wanted to put a share thoughts - Jenny and I went, and funny story - we'd both been planning to maybe go Thursday - but not together, and somehow both of our plans fell through, so we decided upon yesterday afternoon. Thursday I was planning to just go to the Jordan River. I am pretty sure it was one of those tender mercies that the Lord has so graciously provided for me. He knew how much I'd wanted to go to a live session, and how afraid I was of going there alone. I've been to every other local temple in the last several months except the Salt Lake, because I knew how large it was, and I was scared of going by myself.

Ever since Mindy's wedding, when she was sealed in the beautiful Portland temple, every time I go to the temple I am reminded again that I haven't yet found my help meet. (I cannot tell you how many times people have said to me recently "you'll find him.") All last year there were constant reminders (yes...I know...I haven't found him yet. thanks for again letting me know - haha). I started to doubt - but as I attend the temple my doubts fade and my trust grows. I know, I know he's out there... I actually don't mind so much life with out him right now except for instance the little moment I crave to share with someone - like my first time in the SLC temple - so, somehow the Lord knew my desires, and Jenny answered my prayer. A prayer I'd given up hope of getting answered anytime soon.

I feel so much a part of the McAllister family - I cannot say how thankful I am for them letting me be a part of their family, and taking away some of the loneliness that has been with me for some time. Another tender mercy of the Lord answered by the McAllisters.




...I don't know how many people know this, but over the past several years I've struggled with depression...I think I actually have battled it back and forth on my own since my mid-high school years - it finally got to the point where I sought a counselor at the school because I felt like I'd lost control. There were days when I woke up, got ready for school, and stopped to look in the mirror - I literally felt nauseated - I changed and changed and finally decided that day that I would not be going anywhere, so I'd go back to bed...There were other things too...some days my heart would literally ache. I don't deal with stress very well sometimes, so when I'm more stressed it gets worse.

I think I've dealt with depression on some level since I was about 11 or 12 - worse at times in Florida - pretty bad when I lost my hair...some of my hair loss might have been caused by it - it reached a climax when I lived in Provo - I don't think I was quite out of the woods yet when I was telling people that I was fine - so...

when I got into my car accident, and was dealing with pain every day from the injuries, I took a downward spin. Before when I'd experienced it, I'd always felt like I'd had some level of control - like I had a choice at some point to turn around and decide to be happy, but somewhere along the line I lost my grip on that control. I don't know when or what caused me to loose grip, but it scared me very much - the thoughts I had, and the feelings I felt - even some of the choices I made. It's almost like being on a merry-go-round feeling sea sick, and not finding the steadiness to jump off because I'd been on for too long.

I remember the day - going back and hiding under the covers until I heard each of my roommates leave. I went out and sat on the couch and just cried. I knew I needed help - I knew the signs of depression I'd just ignored that I had them, everyone I think has some every once in awhile - but at that point I had too many - more than I knew how to handle. The day I realized I'd never graduate in that condition...that day on the couch...that's the day I made the appointment. I met with a counselor for what felt like just a weekly sob fest. Oh, some days I was terrified to go, because I knew that I would end up crying. Sometimes I felt like it was his goal to get me to cry. He told me that my thoughts were distorted, and that I was not very balanced. Oh if he only knew!!! If he only knew...but, I think I remember he did - early in the sessions - remind me to pray and go to church - I hadn't been able to sit through very much church - or very much of anything because of the back pain...I made it a challenge - I challenged myself to go to all sessions of church regardless of the back pain.

I turned to what had once been my source of light and balance while on my previous sunken ships. I turned toward the temple, and started going again more often. Something I'd neglected, because sitting for that long was hard on my back. It's still not easy to sit that long without pain.

My last meeting with my counselor was in January 2011. I'd like to give him credit, because he did listen to me - he listened to my deep dark fears, but he didn't take them away - but I feel the the Lord did. As I attended the temple last year prayers were answered...It's definitely not like my life was any less stressful - definitely not - but somewhere early last year it was like someone flipped a switch, and I was suddenly able to deal with the stress. Not only that, I had a breakthrough with my voice - something just clicked into place. I stopped internalizing my failures, and started looking at them as stepping stones for learning how to succeed. Things that I'd prayed for for years all of a sudden were right before me. I learned that my voice teacher had put my name in the temple. She knew much of what my family was going through at the time - and she felt inclined to put my name in the temple. I'd no idea of this until after, I only knew that I'd felt a physical change in my life, and I was expressing these changes to her when she told me of the tender mercy. Prayers are answered in the temple.

In His temples there is balance, and true beauty. There is love and hope and especially peace. Every time I have an especially bad day(week) I know I can go there and find the peace my soul longs for. I feel a special connection with temples - I know that there my prayers are answered...I feel that in the temple I can ask for the things I desire the most regardless of how silly they seem...when I go, my answers are more direct - or maybe it's that become better in tune and can hear them better... It is in the temple that I have come to understand how much the Lord truly knows my heart - He knows me, and yesterday was no exception. Yesterday was answers to my small prayers.

Meeting McLean. 2011.

The first time my mother asked me to learn a specific song I was in high school. She gave me this Michael McLean CD, and asked me to learn "Safe Harbors." I remember thinking how I hated the singer of the song, and how I would try to do it "so much better." I remember thinking, why? Why would my mother think that I needed to learn THIS song. At the time there was no specific performance on the horizon, so I was unmotivated to learn it, but she kept asking - how is that song going? Over the years as I have sung this song over and over, more and more it changes into one of my favorite songs to sing. It has set deep roots into my heart and I often think of it as I set sail into the storms of life.

I have performed this song many times - probably more than any other song I know. I sang it in high school. I sang it in one of my first vocal classes at BYU-Idaho. I sang it at a talent show when I worked for Disney World, and the management asked me to sing it at our Christmas party. I sang it at family events several times. I sang it several years in a row for the Christmas Nativity event in Goldendale. I have sung it hundreds of times for my very special mother, who cries every time - even when she knows it's not my best. I sang it for my grandparents, and both of them cried.

This song is one of the reasons I decided that I loved to perform - if you know me you know that I have developed...or maybe I always had it...but I have a terrible time with stage fright. At one point I was convinced that I'd made a huge mistake in choosing to perform because of this stage fright - but this song touched people's hearts. That is what i love most about performing.

So, on December 12th I'd planned to attend the Forgotten Carols for the first time. I'd heard great things, and I was actually extremely excited because of this connection I'd had with some of Michael McLean's music. It was the Monday after Mindy's wedding, so I was coming down from that excitement high as well - so the fact that I would get to see Michael McLean was just icing on the cake, and some of my students told me that he usually dropped by the choir room before the performance, so the likelihood that I would actually get to meet him was very high.

Well, I was helping out at the school, and we needed to go get supplies for the concessions. We were actually talking about Forgotten Carols while we were in Costco. As we were heading out the door, Cecil said, "speak of the devil" - mind you I really had no idea what Michael McLean even looked like...so I looked around and thought to myself, "what are you talking about?" He waved to another guy who was sitting in the Costco cafe area eating a hot dog. Then Michael McLean came and talked to us about some of his ideas for future shows, and about the show that night, and the whole time I was thinking to myself, "is this who I think it is?" Of course by the time he started talking about the show and such, I'd figured out who we were talking to...I wanted to thank him for a song that changed my life...and guided some of the major decisions that I'd made...and helped me to (in a very small way) change the lives of others, but I knew that turning all star struck...would probably be a bad thing...strike that - it's definitely not professional...so I didn't.

I did, however on the way out have a geek moment - and said to Cecil, "we just talked with Michael McLean - that...was Michael McLean!" haha. Now that I look back, I really do feel like a geek.

Michael did come and say "Hi" to the choir before the performance, but it was brief, and not as personal as the meeting in Costco.

I went to the show, and watched from the audience as the story unfolded of the Forgotten Carols...and something struck me - at that moment I was not so excited about seeing Michael as I was about seeing my choir students perform onstage in this production. My students have taught me so much, but most of all they have helped me reconfirm that my decision to be a music teacher was the right one - a decision I made because of the opportunities that came from a song my mother asked me to learn. I have learned that being a teacher sometimes means that part of my job is providing a safe harbor - a safe environment away from the storms of life, in which students can feel free to learn and grow and express life through music, and learn that they can touch the lives of others. I love being a music teacher - while sometimes it might be hard, it is always worth it.

Turning Tables. Teaching.

I have recently Grown to LOVE the song Turning Tables by Adele. I think the reason for this possibly might have something to do with me listening to it a zillion times (itunes says only 58 in the last month, but I think they lie), but I think, honestly there is something more. I created my own arrangement for the piece, which I actually love...and it's the first time I've arranged something for a purpose that wasn't educational...If I wasn't so darn slow at it, I would do it more often. The reason I put together an arrangement, was because a student of mine asked if I would help her with the song, and all the arrangements I found...were insufficient to what the song really needs.

I can't say how rewarding it is to work with students. To see them progress. It makes me want to progress, and refine my own skills as a teacher. I love the moments when the light goes on in their eyes, I love to hear the progression in their voice. Nothing is more flattering a compliment than another person telling my how much my student has improved.

While I feel strongly that being a teacher is stressful on multiples levels...and sometimes I complain about experiences I have - being difficult because I am so inexperienced, I am so grateful that I don't feel like I'm on a turn table anymore. I am certain that teaching was the right thing for me to do...I have doubted myself along this road I have chosen to take, and I have doubted that I would ever be able to live up to the promptings that I have had to become such. I still doubt my skills as a teacher...on almost a daily basis, but that doubt provides me with the motivation to become better - to work harder so that I can truly change lives.

In High School, I thought it was naive of me to have the desire to change lives. As I have been guided to this path I have realized that by being a teacher I have a deep influence upon my students - whether for good or ill, and I have decided that I never want to be the kind of teacher who teaches this job like a job - because then you lose sight of what is truly important. These are the lives of young people, and while they have their agency to chose whatever they will, I always want to be the kind of teacher that will provide a positive and impactful learning environment.

I wrote in one of my papers in college that I want to be the kind of teacher that is not remembered, and that is true. I didn't understand at the time (I really say this a lot) that I do truly feel like I don't care if my students remember my name, but I do want them to remember the things they learned from being in my classroom - I want them to learn to love life and to appreciate music and each other. I think that overall that is my main objective as a teacher...Possibly the heading of my lesson plans for the rest of my life.